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that fuels my recovery, i am beginning to overcome my fear of life. in the course of my human existence, i am finding that there are very few constants, things change, people change, my ideas and belief structures change, and i change. with all this change inherent in my life, i am more than tempted to grab on to things that i believe will be constant. that i have to have FAITH that they will be constant is a tricky proposition and one that i am coming to accept. before i get really running with this idea and tie it all back into the reading this morning, i need to shout out one of my brothers in recovery.

Mike C
EIGHT YEARS CLEAN, MY FRIEND
KEEP THE FAITH and KEEP COMING BACK!

and into where i was going…
before i ever came to recovery i was fascinated about constants. yes it is true that i had developed some rather twisted and sick views of thew world around me, but i am much better today. no the constants i am referring to, are those found in science and most especially mathematics. the constant pi is one of those numbers that amazes me. no matter how big or how small the circle the ratio of radius to circumference remains the same. that number while constant, has another property that truly amazes me, it cannot never be defined exactly. it is unchanging and inexact. how something as pervasive as that can exist without being able to be exactly defined is a metaphor for the POWER that fuels my recovery.
this morning, i understand that there is a POWER keeping me clean. i have also come to believe that POWER has always been here in my life, no matter how hard i try to deny it. today however is not about what that POWER is OR is not, today is about how my journey is taking from FEAR into FAITH.
this process has been going on for quite some time. even when i was incapable or unwilling to look at the possibility of there being a spiritual plane to my being, this journey had already commenced. as i was now willing to do whatever it took to NOT USE, JUST FOR TODAY. as irrational and insane as this whole concept may have once felt to me, i see that i have been under the care of this POWER and as a result, just needed to reach out and grasp the power IT offered me. anyhow as i grew in my recognition of this constant, i tried out all sorts of different definitions, and just as 3.14 is adequate for some calculations, my acting ‘as if’, back in the day was adequate to progress along my recovery journey. it may not have advanced my understanding, but it kept me clean.
after a while 3.14 was inadequate and i needed to delve deeper into what it was kept me clean. 3.14159265358979323846, and on and on, seemed to become necessary to me. the more i thought, the more precise i wanted to be and the more precise i wanted to be, the more i thought, missing the big picture entirely by focusing on WHAT THAT POWER may be. time, step work and living in active recovery has allowed me to change my focus from what exactly the POWER that fuels my recovery may or may not be, to how that POWER works in my life. just as i do not need to know the numeric definition of π move into trigonometry, analytical geometry and calculus, i do not need to know the so-called face of GOD to replace FEAR with FAITH in my life as a recovering addict. what i have been given is a path to enlightenment and it is up to me to follow it or not, as is my will.
living things all die in their own time. the earth shakes as is it wont. storms howl and rage. disease is part of the the cycle of life, none of this proves or disproves the theory of the existence of a POWER that can had has given me the desire to stay clean. all that demonstrates is that there is some sort of structure to the scheme of things, whether that structure was designed by a HIGHER POWER or not is totally irrelevant. π exists, and in my opinion so does a POWER that has set me upon the path of recovery and continues to give me what i NEED today. that POWER gave me a loving support system that kept me sane in my darkest hours. that POWER gave me a manner of living that allows me to choose how i wish to live today. that POWER has restored me from the insanity of my active addiction, and when i allow IT to, continues that restoration still today.
as i continue to grow along this path, i can now see that replacing my FEAR of life and living in general, with the FAITH, that i will be provided what i need, is becoming second nature to me.
anyhow, i do have some work to do, i do have some social life to partake in, and i do have some living to do, so i will wrap this treatise up with ythis quick thought. i am the only thing between living in FAITH and living in FEAR, so my job today is to get out of the way and let it happen.

∞ DT ∞