Blog entry for:

no apologies here, i have said it before, and perhaps for the last time i will repeat it once again, i am not in the middle of the pack when i speak about my spiritual path. i see things differently than most of my peers, and as i finally accept that as it is, i can move into this topic without any reservations or expectations. i do have a bit of bidness to transact, as i need to call out to one of my peers, who saved me from self-will, when i was in one of my darkest times. i can tell you this, helping a friend die, is not for the feint of heart.

Morning Mike,
THIRTEEN (13) years of JFTs
Way to go, my friend
Keep on coming back.

back to me regularly scheduled brain drain. yesterday, of course was Christmas, and spending time with the families, can be trying on my serenity and patience. more than a bit of tolerance and acceptance was required on my part. at the end of the day, i did not need to use the corrective part of the TENTH STEP, which is certainly a good thing. yes there were a few situations that i might have handled a bit better, but perfection is not an asset i currently possess. i am not a recovery saint and i do not have this gig all figured out. what i do have a clue or two about, is how i react when those very old buttons are pushed, by those who love me and installed them. i was waylaid by one family member about moving their stuff to their house as the family bidness goes through its transformation into its next phase. my significant other was chastised for not meeting the expectations of another family member. and my Mom, well she continues her journey into old age. at times, some of the events were joyous and surprising, at others tedious and at the edge of my tolerance. what i walked away with last night, after listening to my review of my day is this: i can rail, scream, gnash my teeth and rebel, but there really is nothing i can do. i am powerless over them and how they choose to behave and perhaps the distance i have put between us needs to be addressed.
none of this, however, seems to speak to theme of this writing, or does it?
these are the people that have given me the opportunity to live and thrive.one may be able to choose their friends, but most of the time, cannot choose their family. the POWER that fuels my recovery, fills me with the grace i need to be able to deal with the feelings that arise when i am with my loving family. as i was once dependent upon my family to give me the sustenance i required, i have learned that like me, they are only human, and these days their offerings are not enough to keep me living the life i choose to live today. my peers, coworkers, acquaintances and friends, also give me gifts, but once again those gifts are not enough to sustain me. today, like any good addict, i require more and that more seems only to come from the source of my recovery, the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is not i am on my way out the door, i know which side of my bread the butter is on. at times, however, i get the notion that maybe i have been doing this long enough that i can strike out on my own and see what happens. staying clean my be its own reward, but spiritual and emotional growth, at least for this addict, only comes through an active practice of this recovery program, including but not limited to, a dependence of the POWER that fuels my recovery. it is a good day to acknowledge where my ability to stay clean comes from and be okay with that fact. as this day spins towards my next task, i can be okay knowing that the people in my life, are a reflection of that POWER working in my life, and regardless of what happens, my family is my family and it is up to me, to love them, cherish them and overlook the human qualities that i find less than acceptable. that is after all, what i am all about today, and that is part of my journey into becoming something i never dreamed possible a whole, genuine and self-aware human being.
okay time to head on over to Boulder and get my recovery fix, it is after all a great day to be more than what i ws when i walked in here.

∞ DT ∞