Some memes

gives me the best shot at continuing to recover from addiction. i started this an anecdote about my family and an inside joke and could not figure out how to bring it back to the topic of reservations and surrender. one of the quips i tell the men i sponsor, when we speak about STEP ONE, is to consider any possibility of ANY event in which you may decide you would cannot face clean, even if that includes the zombie apocalypse. as far out in left field that notion may come from, the point is, to look for events that are highly probable, such as a death of a loved one, a crippling injury or a fall into being homeless and see if staying clean seems like something one can do. every time i swing around to the FIRST STEP, i go through that list myself. to date, i have yet to find an event that i cannot get through clean. that does not mean i am by any means “safe” from relapse, but it does mean that i know where to turn to, when things get tough enough to push me to that boundary.
when one has been clean a minute, one sees their peers relapse and come back, or relapse and die, or even worse relapse and drag along the bottom that active addiction takes one to. i often wonder, what, if anything, i might have done to help them before they took that plunge. more than once i have been told by those who have a bit more wisdom than i do, that not only am i powerless over my own addiction, i am powerless over the addiction of others. i cannot work their steps or walk their path for them. i can only help when they reach out and ask for it. although, some of the time, when i share what is going on in my life and how close i feel to having more than just a idle passing thought about using, i passively give them the HOPE that whatever it is they are going through, they can do so, clean.
one of the men that call me their sponsor, is going through that sort of path right now. my fear is not that he will use, but he will instead decide that life, in and of itself, is no longer worth living and decide to shuffle himself off this mortal coil. we have talked about this option and we will continue to do so, as i believe that he can get through this tough patch, clean and whole, if he surrenders to the fact he needs some outside support. i am surrendering to the fact, that i cannot force him to reach out and accept any support. all i can do is keep offering it, no matter how resistant he may be. i know my desire is to rescue him and i also know that plays into one of my many shortcomings, as i want to appear heroic in the end. what i am hearing instead is to be a rock for him. stay present in his life and keep him venting about what he needs to vent about, and that is heroic enough.
it is time to pack up and move long to my home group. life in my skin is okay today, and yes, if the zombie apocalypse happens, i will fight them to the end, clean and make sure i destroy as many of those buggers as i can.

∞ DT ∞