Blog entry for:

the chronic self-centeredness that lies at the very core of addiction makes that struggle doubly difficult for people like me. by that i mean, recovering addicts, because when i was in active addiction i had no desire to look at the needs of anyone else, unless of course there was a pay-off. i was like those arctic explorers who had little caches of food planted along their proposed routes. when i looked at the needs of someone else, there was going to be a price for them to pay, someday, somehow, they would be called upon to reciprocate my so-called kindness. one may ask, that if i realized that, even in active addiction, did it not make me feel bad? well it might have, but i had the perfect combination of amnesiacs at my disposal -- DENIAL, RATIONALIZATION and DRUGS. that holy trinity, was more than adequate to decimate any semblance of conscience that was still active within me, and when they wore off, as they always did, most of the time i had moved on and my previous behavior was then considered irrelevant.
okay, i know that the reading was about the EIGHTH STEP and it also spoke about the quality of my relationships with those with whom i share the world today, and while both of those topics are germane and pertinent, for some reason, what i focused on in the core of my addiction, the inherent self-centered behavior, that was present and the remnants of what remains today. no not my world, and no not those old friends and acquaintances, but rather the ways that same self-centered behavior is manifest today. honestly, compared to my using days, i am practically a saint, however compared to the spiritual ideal of complete selflessness, well i have a more than a little bit of work left to do, to become a shining example of that. which brings me back to the original statement that as a human being…
that thought is comforting in that, as the steps have worked me, as i have gotten further and further away from the last time i used, i become closer and closer to just another ordinary, **NORMAL,** human being, at least in this respect. no i did not just say i was normal -- the statement i just made fits into yesterday’s topic on appearing more normal, not becoming more normal -- and there is quite a HUGE difference between those two states of being. the important thing is that i remember that and carry it forward in my relationships today. yes i can wail and gnash my teeth over being an addict, and yes i can even blame my self-centered behavior on that fact, BUT i can only recover if i take responsibility for my behavior, regardless of its source and clean-up the damage i do when i act out.
anyhow, if i want to have the sort of relationships i am worth having, then i am worth doing what i need to do to build and maintain them. first and foremost is to be an equal partner, in all aspects of all my relationships, failing that6, those will remain the same sick twisted relationships that i had when i used. i have a path out of that sort of condemnation, it is called the steps and recovery.
so obn that bright and cheery note, i think i will get ready to make my daily topur of the neighborhoods around here and get moving on bringing home some bacon, after all, it is a good day to recover.

∞ DT ∞