Blog entry for:

the relationships that comprise my life was never i gift i expected from recovery. in fact, i already thought i was doing just that, by limiting the number and depth of those relationships. that was certainly an effective way of not creating any relationship angst in the days i was using and in early recovery. i believed i was okay being alone and keeping the world at arm's length was a life i was fated to be living and had come to accept it. that notion certainly played into my lie of being “broken” and provided the feedback loop for me to remain where i was. early recovery, was not that much different, but as i stayed clean, accepted recovery into my life and kept coming back, i felt less certain that was the path for me.
these days, as i exit the fog of what once was and see myself more accurately, i am grateful that over time, i developed a manner of living that allowed others into my life. the idea that i was broken to the extent that i only had a limited capacity to love was a symptom and not the cause of my alienation. if i could believe that little lie, than the big one was even easier to swallow. looking around at the people in my life, i have come to the conclusion, each and every one of them are here for some reason, even if it is only to provide me examples of who i do not wish to be. i do not have to “like” everyone in my life and trusting my gut, has become part of my daily behavior. when i say i am doing something, i usually do and on my mind these days, is the letter of recommendation i have yet to write. before i dive into the material need to digest before my interview tomorrow, perhaps it is an commitment i will fulfill.
some of the time, there are people in my life i rarely get to see, even when i want to. i can however, acknowledge them and celebrate milestones in their journeys:

Brad D.
SIXTEEN (16) years clean.
WOW, congrats on yet another trip around the sun, doing this JFT gig.

this morning as i fret over getting my laptop set-up for my four hour journey into interview hell tomorrow, i will remember that things may not happen according to some plan, but i do have a POWER that is fueling my recovery and this is just one of the opportunities to get what i need. i can say without a doubt, i would love to land this job and be done with my current employer, who has yet to throw me much of a bone. why i have got this far in theo=ir process is beyond me, BUT now that i am here, i am going to do my best to show them that they have not made a mistake. i may still fail to lnd this job, but it will not be because i did not prepare to be my best, Just For Today.

∞ DT ∞