Blog entry for:

to the effect my behavior has on those around me. yes, i have lived a life of self-centered immediate gratification and it is quite true, that when i got here, i had destroyed my capacity to care for anyone save myself. dealing with the effects of all those days in active addiction and doing my best to learn how to care and be cared for, love and be loved and more importantly be a part of the world around me, has been a very long and strange journey down the hall of fear and uncertainty. before i go much further, just a quick shout out to one of my homies:

Brad D!
10 years (3652 days) of “Just For Todays,”
Way to go and thanks for sticking around.

moving forward, utterly blind is a mild way of saying totally oblivious. i probably saw the damage but it never registered in my conscious self as something that needed to be corrected. toady, i am sad to report, i still slip back into that mode of living, most of the time, because i forget how i was, way back when. euphoric recall and reshaping my memories, is not juts about my using and finding the ways and means. sometimes, i want to make myself out to be much worse that in was, for numerous reasons. the biggest one, however, is so i can tell myself how much better i am today. unfortunately, my inability to care for anyone but myself, was a reality and one that i would love to forget, rather than embellish, and yet, there are times i revel in that fact.
i could go into the yo-yo effect that the realization of my self-centered indifference to those around me, had on my conscious behavior, but i have done that before and today, it feels to me, as if there is something else i need to write about. what i am feeling this morning, is a NEED to be connected to what is happening in my daily life as well as what is happening with those i love and care for. traveling is never a big deal for me, but for those i am traveling with, well that is a different story. what i am hearing today, is to include them in the plans i am dreaming up in my head and be present for their needs as well as my own. it is weird sitting here on a Wednesday morning actually looking forward to several days off from any real responsibilities. although i could not sleep last night i am quite certain that when the plane takes off this morning, i will be out for most of the duration of the flight or not, i may be too wound up and excited by the joy of being somewhere new and different, and with those i love and care for.
it is a great day to be clean and even a better day to be a part of the world around me, conscious of the fact that what i do and say can affect those who are around me.

∞ DT ∞