Blog entry for:

the willingness, to look at my part in relationships and make amends as necessary.
so lately i have been on and on about how wrong i have been done to. yes knock me on my poor grammar, but it is really the case that i have been feeling butt-hurt, because some in my life disrespect me, take me for granted, lie to me or are just plain self-obsessed a$$wipes. of course, i am the VICTIM, in all of this and they OWE me ginormous amends and reparations as a result, so why the fVck are they not lining up to take care of bidness?but first a word from the more sane side of me

Brad D
Well it has been one for the books.
Congrats on another 366 days clean
that makes 11!
I am glad you keep coming back.

so as i was starting to roll on in to, i have felt the VICTIM in all of this perceived abuse, and as i sat this morning i realized that i VOLUNTEERED for this, and give permission to be treated in such a manner. and man oh man, does that make the butt-hurt, burn even more. they treat me that way, because i allow it it to be so. worse, after allowing it, i take it on, roll it over and over again in my head, like some sort of rock tumbler, until it comes out all shiny and polished and ready to display as a finely tuned, rational and justified resentment. a very healthy and sane way to live, and i tell myself that they do this to me, because i have become more open, more honest, more willing to accept the cost of relationships and social interactions. it is after all the price i pay for coming out of isolation.
now that my fantasy has been exposed, what is really going on, is that i BELIEVE i have to allow others to treat me poorly and not say anything BECAUSE that is the only way i will continue to expand my social network. the TRUTH is, that like crack, social interactions, have become a substance to me. i lack the balance to form just healthy ones and allow my desire for MORE to take over from my desire to have deep and meaningful ones. in short i have traded quality for quantity. all of a sudden, when i get a clue o\\r two, i see that it is not the number of relationships i have, nor the quality of each and every one of those relationships, that is driving me to distraction. no sir, i do not like this at all, it is my expectations for others to put the same amount of energy and zeal, as i do, into each and every one of my relationships. when they fail to do so, and they will, after all they are “only human” and only “practicing” how to be a friend, i get mad and from there the cycle of WTF spins up and takes me down.
what it looks like is that i owe myself an amends, but first there are quite a few STEPS between where i am -- STEP 0 -- admitting i have a problem with social interactions and STEP 8 making amends. being fVcking powerless sucks, PERIOD and as this little ditty sinks in, i see that i no longer need volunteer for any of this. the reason i felt so uncomfortable the other night, was because i wanted to jump in and participate. i wanted to be a part of the group diss and add my own two cents and even though that was my DESIRE, i also knew that i would pay a price for that, and that night, as painful as it felt to drag myself away, that was a price i was unwilling to pay.
today, i am willing to pay the cost to be a part of, i just need to realize that it is not all on me, and those who do not share equally in that cost, are just that unwilling and i can walk away, secure in the knowledge that i have been willing, given what i could give and am not owed anything at all, just for today.

∞ DT ∞