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at the very core of addiction makes my life doubly difficult.
sometimes, it seems, that all i read in these daily reminders to focus on my recovery is doom and gloom, and how i am so destined to failure unless i walk smartly along the narrow prescribed by the fellowship. other times i find that what they are writing about does not apply to me, as i have already incorporated that little tidbit into my personal program of recovery. in most cases i chant along the party line like some sort of cheerleader leading the crowd in a raucous chorus of “me toos.”
today, well today, i am not in either place. it is quite true that i have been doing this gig for a bit of time and as a result have cleaned up the most egregious examples of my bad behavior, including but not limited to my relationships. some have been restores to something they never were, some have ceased to exist, but the damage has been amended and some were formed after i came to recovery and had minimum damage done. and yet, still, i look for the worst in myself and ignore the best.
part of it is the cyclical nature of a reading a day for every day of the year. having been through that book several times, the message i can take away is: “don't you know better yet?!” so i chide myself, look to what my failings are, pledge to do better and move on.
this morning, the self-centered nature at my core, tries to beat me over the head with this whole harming every one i touch concept. the truth is, fore the most part, i do very little damage in my day to day affairs. any damage i do, is most often address in my daily inventory and promptly corrected, so when i stumble across a reading such as this on, what real reaction can i have? rah-rah, this i do, or man i was so friggin' bad that i can never repair all that i done, so i walk around with a cloud over my head, and beat my chest and chant “i am not worthy!”
i could go on, but what i hear in this, and in my heart, is that today, the relationship that is in the greatest need of a bit of touching-up is the one i have with myself. life is far too short to walk around hunched over from the self-inflicted wounds of my spiritual cat-o-nine-tails. i am worth far moire than to be the butt of my own jokes, and most importantly it is time to start looking at how i treat myself on a daily basis. i feel a new TENTH STEP question coming down the pike, but i am not quite there yet. where i am, is running a bit late and lacking the desire to head on over to my day of meetings and listening to one of my co-workers go on and on about nothing that really matters, after all they were once management and have yet to get the clue that today they are just one of the boyz! as my co-worker jeremy once said, it all pays the same so do what you need to do. which for me, in the here and now, is to get off my butt and head on over.

∞ DT ∞