Blog entry for:

to the effect of my behavior on those around me. this is my second attempt at writing this exercise this morning. the first time, well i have been doing work on this website and had synched my latest with my laptop version, and all my wonderful thoughts from before disappeared into the bit bucket. honestly, even as i was getting to save my work, it felt as if i was just phoning it in. before i get to far down this path …

Brad D,
12 years clean,
I am glad you kept coming back. Congrats my friend.

Moving forward, the reading speaks to STEP 8 and the need for me to clean up my part in the relationships i have had. i have made great progress in this task and yet, at times, i still feel that it is too much work, to even have any sort of relationships. part of that was a reaction to my totally self-absorbed life i had in active addiction and in early recovery. i told myself i was better off alone, to cover the FEAR i felt, in allowing anyone to ever get to know me. relationships are messy and hard, and what i really believed was that i was not worth the effort to put that sort of work in. even as i started my last step cycle, i had the belief i was too broken to add any new relationships to my current life. that belief was exploded in that set of steps, and yet, there is still some shrapnel, clinging to the side of my soul, that seems to bring back bits and pieces. i remember how it felt to be alone, and how much easier it seemed and how well-versed i was, in being alone. i have a bit of nostalgic recall and see that void as maybe a place in time i want to recreate. and yet, i know that it was not all that great, else i would have returned to that place, a long, long time ago. so i persevere and see that my part is to just let go and do the next right thing, no matter the cost to my ego and pride.
today, as i sit on my FIRST STEP, i see i am powerless over what i once believed and that dwelling in that house of pain, while familiar, is far from healthy. when i think that reestablishing and old belief, i caving into my FEAR, that i will NEVER be good enough to be in the company of others. my life today, is too full to abandon and the damage i would cause to myself, my friends, my peers, my family members, and all those who have come to rely on me, would be overwhelming. even the thought of returning to the desert island of aloneness, is more than a bit abhorrent to me, most of the time. stepping through the FEAR of being found out as a sham and a poser, is something i can do today, as i know that my recovery is genuine and whole. i am willing to nurture my relationships, step back and examine my FEAR for what it is, namely something that blocks me from the sunlight of love and loving relationships. with that thought paramount in my mind, i guess i will sign-off and go face my next relationship, just for today.

∞ DT ∞