Blog entry for:

OH MY
i have to be responsible for my behaviors and own the damage i do in order to recieve the gift of companionship?!
when i was using, the last thing i really desired was friends and lovers. i mostly desired acquaintances, after all then i could use them for what i needed and discard them when their usefulness to me was done (or before they caught on to exactly what i was doing).
in recovery, one of the first desires to awaken was the need to have people in my life. of course, i was ill-equipped for any relationships especially the deep and abiding ones i have today. one of the greatest gifts the program has given me is the tools necessary to see and own the harm i do to others. the 8th Step inventory process, while painful, allows for me to realistically see how my behavior affects others and get to the place where i am willing to repair that damage. i wish i could say that i no longer hurt others and am therefore exempt from the ever working another 8th step, alas i am just a garden variety addict who still acts out of selfish and self-centered motives.
HOWEVER, today i am willing to look for the damage i cause, own it and make the amends that are needed to repair it.
i can and do recover on a daily basis and repairing the damge i do is just one of the things that allows me to sleep peacefully at night.
-- DT --