Blog entry for:

with self-centeredness, leads to all kind of odd compensating behaviors, some i can accept and others, well let me just say, i might be able to learn to tolerate them, or decide the time has come to pitch them into the bit bucket. when i cam to recovery, i knew i was selfish and self-centered, that is a fact. i could rationalize and justify each time i caught myself being self-centered as it was just who i was and i NEEDED to do this or that,m to insure i would get what i wanted, but used the word needed, instead. confusing needs and wants, has been an exercise i have been doing for what seems like forever. my reaction to this glimmer of self-awareness was to put my needs and yes wants on a level lower than my peers, my friends, my family members and my acquaintances. as a result a whole new pattern of behavior emerged called people-pleasing and my self-esteem was based on what others said to me directly and to what i heard through the “grapevine.” i decided i was not powerless over the opinions of others and took great care to get only straight A s when it came to what others may or may not think about me. i still put far too much stock in what others may think, but i have learned that being present and watching their instant reaction to what i say and do, is a far better measure of how well i am doing, leaving my self-centered nature at rest. life may be tough on two-legs but my peers make it a whole lot easier:

Brad D,
another trip around the local star, CLEAN!
Congrats my friend, glad you kept coming back and miss you.

this morning as i sat and then ran, i found a bit of emotional balance, i got to clear out the grunge i has accumulated over the past 24 and sit down to something completely different, namely how will i live my life today. this really is an easy day, as i am on-call for work so most of my day will be sitting at home, waiting for the fires to start or not. regardless, this sort of day, limits my interactions with others, paring it down to those with whom i am the closest.
it has been my experience, however, that most of those who end up on my 8th step list are those who are the closet to me, which really freaking sucks. as i walk through today i might just try and bit a bit more aware of what i say and do, and perhaps find the balance between my DESIRES, my NEEDS and see if i can make it through this day without having to do the corrective part of STEP 10. certainly a noble exercise and one that will demand my full attention as i have been less than present for others, more than once in the recent past. the question i think i will need to ask myself is: do i really need to do whatever is on my mind and will i be able to pay the prices if it goes horribly wrong.

∞ DT ∞