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i became willing to make amends to them all.
the seed i used is without a doubt a direct lift from STEP 8, in fact it is STEP 8, so i am warning you that this is NOT a writing about the EIGHTH STEP at all. no what i read and what i heard this morning centered on being self-centered and my NEED and DESIRE to have all my needs met, even those i have no clue about.
yes, it is the job of the world and everyone in it to meet my needs, whether or not i have any clue about what those needs are. this sense of self-entitlement takes being self-centered to it logical conclusion and evidence abounds that this attitude is pervasive everywhere in society today. the spooky part? well i get it and as i get a bit of recovery, NOT CLEAN TIME, under my belt, seeing it in others drives me to find a way to remove it in myself. of course there is a way, there are probably several, the most extreme is to give up my life, retire to a cave somewhere in India and become an ascetic, depriving myself of everything so that i can achieve spiritual enlightenment. after all, if i have nothing how can i want more, taking the whole premise of recovery to its logical extreme manifestation.
that may be an option, it is one however, i choose not to exercise, which leaves me in the REAL world seeking REAL WORLD solutions. there is always the opposite choice, exercise my self-given right to everything now to its fullest becoming a hedonist that requires the world give me everything and no one and nothing else matters. oh yeah i have already been there and done that and have the T shirt. that option is another that i choose not exercise today.
that leaves me the road upon which i have been placed by a POWER that fuels my recovery, namely the 12 STEPS. part of the problem, as i see it, is the same problem i had with organized religion, namely people who say one thing and do the exact opposite. they are supposed to be showing me a better way of life and yet when it comes time to put these principles into action, they choose a different path. in the words of the last pastor i ever spoke with, this is not a gallery of saints, it is however a gallery of sinners striving to do better. i get that, and this metaphorical sinner is happy to see that his behavior does not always match his words. that is wrong PERIOD, and spin as i may like to, it is what i am here to change. the only way beyond the self-centered cocoon that stretches into infinity is through living a program of ACTIVE recovery, not sitting in my chair and making pronouncements about how bad this and that may be.
unfortunately STEP 8 is about recognizing where i was wrong and becoming willing to fix that damage, it is a correction of the past, and has very little to do with the here and now, except when i remember that i have another one in my future, i may temper my behavior to avoid doing the harm that needs to be repaired in the future. yes i am a little less self-centered when i realize the consequences of my behavior may end up making amends to someone i would never even want to speak to again. or <GASP> someone who is disrespectful and demeaning of me. since my tendency is to treat others as they treat me, i can see how this last case may happen and in my mind it is the worst case scenario, so the easier softer way? live the program, listen to what i am being told by the POWER that fuels my recovery and understand that my emotional reaction to the behaviors of others is just that a feeling that will pass, IF I ALLOW IT TO! i can be HIGHER POWER centered today, and when i move into that state there is little room for being self-centered, which in the case of this particular addict is a good thing. so it is off to the streets to get some miles under my belt before it gets too hot and muggy today.

∞ DT ∞