Blog entry for:

...i think only of myself, i forget that i am but a part of the world. the true test of self-will versus the will of my HIGHER POWER, is what i am doing to accomplish my desired outcome. if i am manipulating and using people to achieve an end, no matter how noble or high-minded i believe it is, i am living in self-will.
once again, i am drawn to look at the contrast for those who have become what i do not want to be, and once again i am tempted to rail against them, and once again, i see that it is really useless, and that what i really seek is freedom from those behaviors that drive me to distraction, especially the self-serving conversation in my head, that tells me the end ALWAYS justifies the means. when i feel played, and i do quite often these days, my first instinct is to play back. the POWER that is inherent in the little flattery and false humility games is quite evident, as it puts my opponents at ease, and allows me to swoop in for the kill. the worst part of this for me, is that often i do not even realize that i am playing this particular game, until it is far to late and i am already enmeshed in its insidious snare. so with one fell swoop, i have absolved myself of all blame for living in self-will, nice work when you can get it. i get trapped into this game, because quite honestly i enjoy playing it. even with some time clean, i still get a thrill watching someone squirm, trying to get out of the hole they have dug for themselves, while all the time i am shoveling in the dirt.
am i some sort of evil manipulator? well maybe. perhaps a better way to look at this is that i am simply human, and i am doing what i can to get recognition and praise. the only twist to this is, the part of me i call my addict takes this simple desire and inflates it into a NEED. over that i am powerless, i am not however, powerless over what i do, once i recognize i am smack dab in the middle of this particular form of self-will. here is where the HOPE lies. because i have worked a few steps, i can recognize what i am doing, halt it immediately and admit that i was wrong. otherwise, i have a TENTH STEP to make the same correction to my course. the best part? well for one, i do not wish to be condemned to repeating my past, so i do what i can to learn from my mistakes in the here and now, bounce what i see off my sponsor and my trusted friends, and take their suggestions as direction towards finding a life less driven by self-will and more centered on the will of a HIGHER POWER. that action insures that i am living a program, rather than just saying i am living a program. after all, that IS what it is all about for me today.
so off to the streets to see how far i can go.

∞ DT ∞