Blog entry for:

that the world spins as i want it to, is a concept that i am very familiar being stuck in. this morning i am hungry, thirsty and lacking my morning cup of coffee. that happens to be the price i pay for taking care of myself, as i have a procedure this morning to deal with a medical condition that has been part of my life for a very long time. i want to “cheat” and have a “sip” of coffee to wake up and face the world and i could likely get away with it. what i am going to do instead, is whine a bit about it and move on.
for me, self-will seems to be a way of life. i am much better than i once was, at letting things happen as they will, but i still have the desire to get my fingers into the mix and “fix” events and things. i know having the desire for things to go my way, is more than likely a part of being human. i also have come to see that decades of active addiction warped that human trait into something that goes far beyond how the rest of the world behaves. when i was seeking the ways and means to use, or to feel better about what i had to do, to get my next fix, i was blind to the consequences of my actions on the world around me. my way or the highway was certainly one of the mantras i lived by. each and every time i make an 8TH step list, the names on that list are all the victims of my self-will run riot. when i have to admit that i am wrong as part of my daily 10TH step, that is also, yet another example of my self-will being exercised. the litany of examples could go on and on.
as i walk through the next few hours and pay the price for ignoring my health in active addiction and my early recovery, i will remember that i may not like what i see in the news and consider my response. i can be judgemental, willful and a real ass, calling bout those i consider to be “misbehaving” or accept their actions as a mirror to my own actions, thoughts and behaviors and adjust my life accordingly. i may never end up being a saint or recovery guru, but when i let go of self-will, i am a little bit better than i was yesterday. for me, that is certainly something to strive for, just for today.

∞ DT ∞