Blog entry for:

...because the planet does not spin my way. Or i can surrender, relax, seek knowledge of the will of my HIGHER POWER and the power to carry that out, and find my way back to a condition of peace with the world.
one of the readings in the cycle that i really need to hear. i know that self-will is a part of my life, and i realize that at certain times well truthfully most of the time, i exercise self-will by trying to force an outcome that meets my expectations and desires. that is what it is, what i really strikes me most about this reading is the extension of exercising self-will into becoming a slave to self-will. and there is a part of me that rebels about being a slave to anything.
"but hold on one second," i hear you saying, "you keep saying that you are an addict, that you are powerless over your disease, so are you not a slave to that part of you call your disease?"
i heartily agree that when i am in active addiction i am a slave to addiction. before i came to the program. i rationalized and justified my use and the behaviors i had to practice to continue to use, thus building a wall of denial and thwarting the part of me that rebels against being forced to do anything -- i gave up fighting my disease by lying to myself about my own true nature!
and the truly deliciously ironic part of this is that today, as i spin into a bout of slavery to self-will i hear the same internal conversation going on. rationalizing and justifying my way into a fortress of denial about living as a slave to self-will. forcing outcomes, manipulating people and situations, sneaking around, and being fucking pissed off when things turn out differently than i had planned. and that is the clue that something is wrong with me! so at that point what do i do? a very long and formal tenth step, an equally thorough eleventh step and then take the action to make right the harm i have caused. i am one of the lucky ones that has a tenth and eleventh step to practice, so i do not have to be stuck in a never-ending cycle of slavery and remorse.
am i slave to self-will? i certainly can be! will i be a slave to self-will today? i certainly hope not! how can i tell? if i find myself lying or manipulating situations to force an outcome, and there is an emotional attachment to the outcome i am expecting. and please to not misread what i am saying -- nowhere has anyone ever told me not to make plans, dream dreams, set goals or provide for my future. what they have always told me is do those things and let go of the outcomes. living as a slave to self-will does not mean floating down the river of life bobbing along and slamming into to every rock at the whim of the current, nor does it mean rowing as hard as you can fighting the current, and forcing a path that does not take you close to any rocks. what it means in this metaphor is rowing your boat, working with the current, watching for the rocks and doing your best to keep your boat from capsizing when hit the rocks, which you will inevitably. by working with the current i will have the strength to keep my life on course after a run in with the rocks.
so off to the garden to exercise some focused self-will on the natural plants that are growing where i do not want them to grow! :))

∞ DT ∞