Blog entry for:

i am probably exercising self-will and NEED to surrender to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. not quite the seed i was going start with this morning BUT, seed enough to remind me that i have a plan to follow, and sometimes what i think it is, and what it actually is, are mutually exclusive.
this morning on my first day of my “staycation”, after sleeping for nearly nine hours, i feel like i am way behind in what i NEED to get done. after all, it is already 8 AM, and i have yet to get an 2 hours of work done! i know, when i think of it, it is a silly set of thoughts, as the whole point of this intermission between jobs, was to catch-up relax and find some time to sleep, and just chill a bit. for the 11 months it has been go -- go -- go and after a while, it starts to wear on a person. in fact i was starting to wonder if i was running on self-will or not, after all, if one was to follow a certain line of reasoning that i heard in the meeting last night, IF my HIGHER POWER always has my back, why am i so beat tired and frustrated with where i am? there is no simple answer to that question, except that a year ago, i asked for the opportunity out of a jam, i had created through living in self-will, and my request was answered, in spades, and i am not about to ask for it to be removed, as each time i reached the end of one contract, and even before the end of the one i just left, another opportunity presented itself. the weird part? ONLY one opportunity ended up being presented, so there was not even a chance for me to stray from the path.
with that in mind, and all the talk i have heard about the various interpretations of HIGHER POWERS over the past 48 hours, i am struck this morning by how easily it is for me to get distracted from what i REALLY need to be doing. i see myself suffering from spiritual Attention Deficit Disorder, most of the time. i see or hear something and boom all of a sudden there i am, losing my focus on what it is that i need to be looking at. yes, other people have different ideas about the nature of the POWER that fuels their recovery. if capriciousness is part of that definition and they need to wrap it up in mystery to reconcile terrible events happening to seemingly innocent people, than so be it. for me, i know that life is not fair, some people win more than others. some people have a harder time getting through their days than others. some people get mercy and some even get justice. for me, to expect to win, to expect to have an easy passage, to get justice or even mercy, is setting myself up for resentments and perhaps to the long spiral down into the living hell, that was active addiction for me. so when life throws a curve-ball, i take a swing, and maybe i strike out, or maybe i get a base hit or even better a home run, after all, i have the FAITH that each and everything and opportunity that i am presented today, is part of a plan beyond my ken, and I GET to CHOOSE the path i will walk.
so before the day gets much hotter, i am going to start off this day off, with a run. not too long, but not too short either, it is after all a great day to NOT have to commute to DENVER!

∞ DT ∞