Blog entry for:

take initiative, and put responsible plans into action. it is when my life is driven by self-will that i run into problems. so here i sit, in front of my computer, much earlier than usual to muse about self-will and how it controls my life. less than twelve hours ago, i was sitting down with my sponsor and going over the amends list i had prepared as my eight step assignment. the events of the past week, and my reaction to them, was the driving force behind finally doing my assignment. one that had been languishing for several weeks now, and one that i honestly saw no burning need to rush into. after all, it is not like i am going to go out and use over any of my actions. was this an exercise in self-will? perhaps. my experience last night was different than any before, and although my list was not long by any means, it was exponentially reduced in the matter of forty-five minutes. the immediate effect was confusion over exactly what happened, and when i walk away from a meeting with my sponsor confused, it means that i know he is right, my task is to accept that fact and let it settle into my consciousness, in a process that may take several days. BUT, i slept the entire night through, for the third night in a row. so something has changed within in me, something that started on Sunday and is probably ongoing still this morning.
of course, what does any of this have to do with self-will? well, my thinking this morning, is that the damage i found as i went back through the days between my last eight step, was all based in self-will. my will trying to protect my fragile ego, and in acting out actually doing more harm to myself than those around me. feeding the downwards spiral of feeling less than, acting out to feel better, realizing what i did and feeling even less than and on and on, into the final outcome, withdrawing myself from recovery and deciding that it would be a good idea to use.
today, i am willing to move into my NINTH Step and make those amends that are on my list. it is a good day to recover, and hopefully i can intef=grate what i learned last night into my daily living, so when the time comes around to do my next eight step, it will be based in an entirely different set of behaviors, the one thing i am sure of however, it will be a manifestation of self-will run riot, as it is today.

∞ DT ∞