Blog entry for:

relate exactly to the dreams of my peers in recovery, but i can relate to the hope, energy, and excitement of trying to realize them. as i sat this morning, i could see that dreams are more than just wishful thinking, when i choose to take the action to make them reality. the HOPE lies in seeing that i may just be able to do just that and by watching my peers see that they may have the power to realize their dreams, as well. in my opinion, humble or not, this whole thing about HOPE feels a bit to wishy-washy and way touchy-feelie. i know it was around when i got clean and the fellowship was more raw and less concerned about injuring my itty-bitty feelings, after all, if i wanted what i saw, and i did, then it was strongly suggested that i do what my predecessors did. the HOPE back in those days was that i could find the ways and means to stay clean between the time i got out of bed and the time i went to bed, no matter how long that interval may have been.
as i stayed clean and learned how to live a program of active recovery, that HOPE that i would find the power to stay clean on a daily basis, which had become a reality for me, was no longer in the way of the other dreams i had. it is true that a quarter century of feeding my active addiction stripped many of them away from me, even if i ended staying clean and living until i was one hundred and fifty years old. along the way, however i have found more than enough dreams to work towards with the HOPE that i may actually be able to achieve them. i saw the world from the top of Africa. i was able to find someone to love for the rest of my life. i own a house. i graduated from college. the list goes on and on, and none of that was possible, back in the day. the fact of the matter is, that i learned how to follow my heart and allow myself to see a plan for looking for the opportunities presented by the POWER that fuels my recovery, to make forward progress on my dreams.
i know that the addict with twenty-four hours or twenty-four days clean can hardly relate to the gifts i have received as it has been my impression that the new guys seem to think i sprung up to the person they see before them, self-assured, confident in my recovery, genuine and whole. what they lack is the clarity is that i did not become this way, overnight, or even in a thousand days clean. i am a product of having that modicum of HOPE, way back when, that i could stay clean for long enough to get the sort of life i had only dreamt about. in active addiction, this was just wishful thinking, but in active recovery, it had become HOPE.
today? well i hope that i melanoma has been removed and has not spread, but barring that, i have the ability and the strength to progress through the treatment suggested by the medical professionals that will be treating me. life may not be perfect today, but i am grateful that i do not walk in the FEAR of what the other shoe dropping, just may be, just for today.

∞ DT ∞