โพ thinking, โฝ
Posted: Sat, Jul 23, 2016 10:00:17 AM
taking initiative, making responsible plans, all of these are more than acceptable activities. worrying and manipulating the situation to insure the outcome? not so much!
the morning after and i am feeling the NEED to get my a$$ to a meeting. i have often wondered what it felt like to be one of those people who do nothing but violate everything their religion suggest they do, six days a week, and have to run to church on Sunday to feel whole again. this morning i am certainly feeling something similar, after spending the evening with friends, being a dude at a “gentlemen's” club. no need for confessions or salacious details here, but i am certainly glad that i have enough recovery to play along, up to a point, and come back with my moral standards intact. as much as i would like to say that it was “good, clean fun,” i have to leave out the “good” part, to make that statement accurate. what happened, happened. i owe no amends, do not have to restart my clean date calendar and have no new charges, which makes last night's activity a success.
what, if anything, does pondering last night, have to do with thinking for myself and allowing the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery to guide my life? it is ironic, that part of that will for me this week was a letting go, and part of it seems to be a reattachment. two phone calls, one i made, one i chose to decline, and yet in the grand scheme of things, this looks like a juicy ironic re-balancing of my life. once again no need to go into details, but as the progresses i will see how it all plays out. my plans? well if i get my way, i will be able to avoid any return to the entanglements of my past. will i influence that outcome through my own will? more than likely yes, as i am far from cured. what exactly is my desired outcome? that is a question for which there is no simple answer, as i am of more than one mind about it. which drops me right back at the beginning — thinking, taking initiative, making responsible plans.
my plan? shower off the detritus of last night, head over to my home group and cleans the spiritual detritus of last night and then, do a bit more work on the projects that have been languishing in my mind and on my desktop. most imp[ortantly allow myself to go with the flow and be okay with where that flow takes me, just for today.
the morning after and i am feeling the NEED to get my a$$ to a meeting. i have often wondered what it felt like to be one of those people who do nothing but violate everything their religion suggest they do, six days a week, and have to run to church on Sunday to feel whole again. this morning i am certainly feeling something similar, after spending the evening with friends, being a dude at a “gentlemen's” club. no need for confessions or salacious details here, but i am certainly glad that i have enough recovery to play along, up to a point, and come back with my moral standards intact. as much as i would like to say that it was “good, clean fun,” i have to leave out the “good” part, to make that statement accurate. what happened, happened. i owe no amends, do not have to restart my clean date calendar and have no new charges, which makes last night's activity a success.
what, if anything, does pondering last night, have to do with thinking for myself and allowing the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery to guide my life? it is ironic, that part of that will for me this week was a letting go, and part of it seems to be a reattachment. two phone calls, one i made, one i chose to decline, and yet in the grand scheme of things, this looks like a juicy ironic re-balancing of my life. once again no need to go into details, but as the progresses i will see how it all plays out. my plans? well if i get my way, i will be able to avoid any return to the entanglements of my past. will i influence that outcome through my own will? more than likely yes, as i am far from cured. what exactly is my desired outcome? that is a question for which there is no simple answer, as i am of more than one mind about it. which drops me right back at the beginning — thinking, taking initiative, making responsible plans.
my plan? shower off the detritus of last night, head over to my home group and cleans the spiritual detritus of last night and then, do a bit more work on the projects that have been languishing in my mind and on my desktop. most imp[ortantly allow myself to go with the flow and be okay with where that flow takes me, just for today.
∞ DT ∞