Blog entry for:

--there is nothing wrong with these things, so long as they serve the will of a HIGHER POWER, not merely my own.
as i sit here in Bozeman, considering what i am really doing here, i am struck by the particular poignancy of this reading for me this morning. after all, i am not representing any region, nor do i have a constituency to be true to and yet there is a part of me that is joyous about being here. thee is also a part of me that is split between the constraint of me only being able to be in one place at a time. i want to spend time with the people that comprise the forum as well as spend time with my family, and i have put myself on a very short leash financially as well as professionally as i have stuff that needs to be accomplished Monday.
I WANT WHAT I WANT AND I WANT IT ALL, RIGHT NOW DANG IT!
so where is the line here between self-will, my own true will for myself and the will of THE POWER that fuels my recovery?
well nothing about being up here feels wrong, in fact my financial stars aligned in a manner that provided me the means to do so. nothing is gnawing in my gut to step away from service and the members of the forum this evening and participate in being present with my family. so i am fairly certain that too is the next right thing to do, even though my head wants me to stay at the hotel and hang with my forum buds.
what i am left with is THAT IF i want the most out of this experience, THAN i need to be present where i am, for who i am with at that slice of time and not worry about the next destination on my plate. i am beginning to feel the door i painted on the wall that my back is up against starting to become real. i do not know what will be on that other side, but as i heard last night, the time has come to emotionally detach myself from being invested in the outcomes of my decisions and just do what i intuitively know is correct, i have been clean for long enough that i can start to TRUST my intuition, as my sponsor is fond of telling me, over and over again. OH YEAH,. his caveat there is that i have also participated in my recovery for long enough that what i once could not trust is becoming trustworthy.
there is all kinds of stuff going on inside my head this morning, but i will close with this thought so that i can get a bit of breakfast before the day gets rolling, i will walk through today, doing my best to discern whether or not i am walking in self-will or the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery.

∞ DT ∞