Blog entry for:

of doing things does not always work. as i ponder the meaning of life, the universe and everything this morning, i can remember using the notion of self-will to avoid making any decisions. the argument went something similar to this: if all of my plans , dreams, aspirations and goals are mere extensions of self-will, and IF i am surrendering my will (self-will) into the care of a HIGHER POWER, than i have to let them, all go and allow for that POWER to care for me.
i came to recovery with huge sense of entitlement and the desire to avoid responsibility at all costs, and this misunderstanding of a HIGHER POWER and ITS care for my will and my life, did little to bring my sorry a$$ around, in fact, for quite some time it fed that beast within. anytime i allowed a decisions to be made FOR me, i could chock it up to GOD's will and to me properly applying the 3RD Step to my life.
quiet a few days later, i can see that it was through the eyes of the addict within, that i used the sound spiritual principle of making plans, not planning outcomes, to abdicate the responsibility for my life. i am quite certain today, that the gift of recovery was not one meant to change me into some sort of robotic automaton. it was never meant to reduce my critical thinking skills, nor to put me in a place where i drifted along through life, allowing the random whims of change to occur. i cannot speak for my peers in this and i will not. what i can say is that today, i believe that recovery allows me the opportunity to think for myself, make plans for my future, and take the responsibility to work towards bringing those plans to fruition. when obstacles appear, as they often do, evaluate whether what i am planning to do is truly the next right thing for me, and persevere or alter them. today, my plans are far from written in stone, but they are not written in sand either, and to come up with a metaphor that describes an intermediate state, is beyond my desire this morning.
a simple test for self-will verses all the other wills, at least for me, is who do i have to trample and what spiritual principles do i need to ignore, to bring this plan to the outcome i desire? as simplistic as it sounds, it works very well for . refinancing my house? i can be honest. open and willing to do what the bankers want. hm, not self-willish at all, and yet i am apprehensive and defensive about the whole affair of corporate bankers looking at my less than stellar financial history. i am ready to say forget it and run away into a place where i let events happen of their own accord and keep what i have in place, so i can whine about the unfairness of the whole banking and mortgage industry. i get to play the victim 😭 😭😭
yes self-will and martyrdom, often play a HUGE role in my attitudes, constraining my desire to act decisively and make a plan or three. today, i think i will let go of my will, take a shower and head on down south to see what i can do to get out of my own way. after that, who know what the next right thing for me to do will, but i will pay attention and if it requires making a plan, or altering one that comes down the pike, i will open myself up to that alternative, just for today.

∞ DT ∞