โ i experience pleasures in recovery that, sometimes, only another addict can appreciate โ
Posted: Sat, Sep 19, 2009 07:33:53 AM
when i share these experiences with recovering addicts and they respond with similar stories, our joy is multiplied.
so i hit the positive side of this reading, instead of going with spreading the burden, as that is where i am this morning. as i sit here, running out of time before i trek eastward to participate in service, i am struck by how selfish i can be about holding the joy back. somewhere down the road i internalized the message that the newer members do not want to hear how things are going well for me, that "true" humility meant that i downplayed my joy for receiving the gifts of recovery, including but not limited to the feeling i get when i accomplish something i never accomplished before, or my achievements. every time i read this entry, i seem to go to sharing the burden of pain, and let it go at that. this last step cycle has moved me into a different place, and as a result, i see that the one dimensional sharing of just my pain does a disservice to me, the fellowship and the POWER that keeps me clean. being truly humble means spreading my joy as well as my pain. as i sit here writing this, i have had a realization. i see now, that when i share my pride in accomplishment, it feels like conceit and braggadocio, when if i keep to just the facts and live in gratitude it is being humble. the newer members need to hear that even in times of joy, or when i accomplish something, i can still stay clean, no matter what, as i was the sort of addict, who really did not need an excuse to use, BUT would use my feelings of joy, to rationalize using in that instance. in fact, i cannot remember a significant joyful event in my active addiction, that was not tempered by the haze of using.
yargh, what a trap!
so today, i will make the effort to share what i am really feeling, good bad and indifferent with those i care about, inside and outside of the fellowship.
so off to the showers and forward into the sunrise, just for today.
so i hit the positive side of this reading, instead of going with spreading the burden, as that is where i am this morning. as i sit here, running out of time before i trek eastward to participate in service, i am struck by how selfish i can be about holding the joy back. somewhere down the road i internalized the message that the newer members do not want to hear how things are going well for me, that "true" humility meant that i downplayed my joy for receiving the gifts of recovery, including but not limited to the feeling i get when i accomplish something i never accomplished before, or my achievements. every time i read this entry, i seem to go to sharing the burden of pain, and let it go at that. this last step cycle has moved me into a different place, and as a result, i see that the one dimensional sharing of just my pain does a disservice to me, the fellowship and the POWER that keeps me clean. being truly humble means spreading my joy as well as my pain. as i sit here writing this, i have had a realization. i see now, that when i share my pride in accomplishment, it feels like conceit and braggadocio, when if i keep to just the facts and live in gratitude it is being humble. the newer members need to hear that even in times of joy, or when i accomplish something, i can still stay clean, no matter what, as i was the sort of addict, who really did not need an excuse to use, BUT would use my feelings of joy, to rationalize using in that instance. in fact, i cannot remember a significant joyful event in my active addiction, that was not tempered by the haze of using.
yargh, what a trap!
so today, i will make the effort to share what i am really feeling, good bad and indifferent with those i care about, inside and outside of the fellowship.
so off to the showers and forward into the sunrise, just for today.
∞ DT ∞