Blog entry for:

with other recovering addicts.and i will also share in theirs.
this stuff seems like s slippery slope to me, as i am sure my amazing magnifying mind, twists up what is good, into something that looks so bad, it cannot possibly be good for me. confused? well let me take you down the two twisty paths that exists in my dank internal landscape of the part of me i call addiction.
the joy part? one of the character defects on that original SIXTH STEP list, that i wrote forever ago, is conceit. for me, when i share the good things that are happening in my life, the joyous events that cross my path nearly every day, it FEELS like i am bragging and trying to bolster my flagging self-esteem, at the expense of another. the part of me that is addiction, then takes that vague uncomfortable feeling and runs with it. the dialogue going something like this: “see, even after all these days clean, all those steps i sweated through, all the feelings i have had to feel, not to mention not a chemical fix in sight for all these days, i am no better than i was when i walked into the room. i still NEED to BRAG about the good stuff!”
see, something as simple as expressing my joy, sharing the good news and being present for my friends, my peers and my family, is all of a sudden a tool against me, based on who i was. that is the exact problem, the addict who is me, refuses to acknowledge the change, and everything is seen through that lens, as further vindication that just a little sumthin', sumthin', is not only called for but well deserved.
the flip side? well it plays on something i learned in recovery, wallowing in self-pity is something evil. the addict, that is me, tells me that sharing my struggles with someone else, is whining about the stuff i should have power over. yes and now it ties back into the man i once was. struggles and having to share about,m is a sign of weakness, after all, the only way i can survive in this dog-eat-dog world, is to hide any flaws, imperfections and struggles from the world in general. the rest of humanity will exploit those weaknesses to pound me to dust. since it is me versus everyone else,a chemical boost every now and again, is SOMETHING that i am entitled to, after all, i am just another addict, and that is what addicts do.
both paths lead to the same conclusions, and the same inevitable ends, so why bother doing anything different. that is where recovery starts for this addict. part of the personality change for me anyhow, is to allow the process to morph me into someone, who no longer believes the lies i tell myself. certainly sharing my joy, can be braggadocio, depending on how and when i share my joy. i certainly can use it as a weapons for pounding the crap out of others, or as a tool to allow others to see, that yes, we do recover, and even though i am an addict, i am no longer trapped in my being a victim of addiction. the flip side, a tool to pound the sh!t out of me or the means to show others that even though i have a few days, life still throws me a curve-ball or two, and i CAN stay clean, no matter what. i can build honest and equal relationships, with my friends and peers, only when i let them in for my joy as well as my sorrow. that my friends is the part of honest relationships, i did not hear during the sharing at the meeting last night. that is how i am learning to do it and that is part of the template of this new way of living, just for today. time to shower off, and head west with the other drivers who will be crowding the few remaining roads to Boulder.

∞ DT ∞