Blog entry for:

way back when in my other life as a using addict, i was one to spread the misery, as i wanted everyone in my life to be as miserable, or as close as possible, as i was. i also hoarded my joy, out of the fear of sharing it would diminish its value to me. value based in how much can i get, transactions with others, was my modus operendi. it would wonderful to say, that i got clean and all of that garbage went by the wayside. nice, but untrue. only recently as in the past five years or so, has that garbage been dumped and i wonder if i ever really left it behind. needless to say, but i will say it anyhow, today i have a better relationship with myself, the POWER that fuels my recovery and my peers and associates. having to “get” something out of each and every interaction, is not somethi8ng i feel i NEED to do anymore. which brings me back to the topic at hand, namely sharing my burdens and spreading out my joy. it sometimes feels that doing just that is imposing on the good will of my fellows, or worse braggadocio and conceit.
does sharing the good things in my life, when others are suffering detract from the atmosphere of recovery, or give HOPE? does sharing my struggles, demons and life on life's terms, constitute whining, one-upmanship or detract from the message i carry? two interesting questions and ones that goes directly to my motives, which at times are quite suspect. as i recover, i see that my motives, while still present, are more “pure” than they once were. it is also true, that as i recover, i do become more focused on carrying a message of HOPE, that sometimes contains joy, sunshine and light, mixed with a few sprinkles and ominous clouds on the horizon. when i share i do my best to think about what i am sharing and the audience i am sharing with, after all, a newcomer probably would barely understand the struggles someone with time is going through as their character defects are removed and i struggle to retain them. what they may,l however, see this that no matter how much clean time one may have, their recovery and yes their spiritual fitness, changes from day to day, or even moment to moment, hence what i see as joyful may be tomorrow's burden.
so i am grateful, yes i really used that word, that today, i can be a part of a fellowship that encourages me to be who i am, is willing to help me through m y struggles and feel my joy almost as passionately as i do.
time to go see a sponsee and help him do his step work, and hopefully i will carry a bit of this forward into that meeting.

∞ DT ∞