โ sharing stuff ฯ
Posted: Mon, Sep 19, 2005 08:35:23 AM
well what exactly should i be sharing?? just like in manual labor getting a helper to lift something heavy, it has been my experience that sharing the stuff that burdens my soul, lightens that load too.
the problem for me is that it is easy for me to share my triumphs, joys and hopes, after all it is not to much different than one of my less than savory character defects.
the behavior i am talking about is using my triumphs to make you feel worse about your current situation. i would brag, boast and inflate all the little things that went right (or appeared to be going right) in my life at the worst possible time for you. it was one-upmanship carried to a painful extreme, no matter what, i had to always be better. i recognize this behavior as a reaction to very low self-esteem. since i felt so bad about myself, i had to make you feel less than me, so i could feel better than you. today i share my triumphs and joy in a more appropriate manner and do not use it as a buttress for my sagging self-esteem, but rather as a way to let others see that there is joy in recovery and to have hope that their pain will pass.
on the other hand sharing my pain is something that i still have problems doing with any regularity. exposing my pain makes me vulnerable, and i have yet to be really comfortable with being vulnerable. i still wait for the poison arrow to strike me dead every time i let go and allow myself to share my pain. in my experience, at least in recovery i have yet to feel that arrow, and yet i am still hesitant. but this is a program of progress not perfection, so i will keep plugging away and see what happens.
∞ DT ∞
the problem for me is that it is easy for me to share my triumphs, joys and hopes, after all it is not to much different than one of my less than savory character defects.
the behavior i am talking about is using my triumphs to make you feel worse about your current situation. i would brag, boast and inflate all the little things that went right (or appeared to be going right) in my life at the worst possible time for you. it was one-upmanship carried to a painful extreme, no matter what, i had to always be better. i recognize this behavior as a reaction to very low self-esteem. since i felt so bad about myself, i had to make you feel less than me, so i could feel better than you. today i share my triumphs and joy in a more appropriate manner and do not use it as a buttress for my sagging self-esteem, but rather as a way to let others see that there is joy in recovery and to have hope that their pain will pass.
on the other hand sharing my pain is something that i still have problems doing with any regularity. exposing my pain makes me vulnerable, and i have yet to be really comfortable with being vulnerable. i still wait for the poison arrow to strike me dead every time i let go and allow myself to share my pain. in my experience, at least in recovery i have yet to feel that arrow, and yet i am still hesitant. but this is a program of progress not perfection, so i will keep plugging away and see what happens.
∞ DT ∞