Blog entry for:

i do not have to experience anything alone, unless, of course, i choose to do so. that statement is just loaded with irony, that only another recovering addict can understand. that is the point, here i have found people who think the way i do, and the most part react in a similar fashion to the world around them. it is quite true, that even before coming to recovery, i COULD have shared my pain and my joys with others, and there were others who would have helped me share my burden or could have experienced my joy. addiction, as it progressed for me, took away my desire to allow that to happen. i told myself, that they could not and would not understand, or that if i allowed myself to open up to to others there would be painful consequences to follow. the thought line continues, that keeping it all inside was the easier, softer and safest manner of living.
today, however, i can see how unhealthy that behavior is, and worst of all, i can see myself slipping back into that same state of mind, because there still might be pain or ridicule involved when allowing myself to be open. that is of course the part of me i call my addiction, preparing me for the my eventual return to the life of active addiction. that path leads through untreated disease and into a state that i do not wish to enter today.
the flip side of that is when i allow myself to do so, i can also be available for my peers, friends and acquaintances, to share their burden of pain, or multiply their joy. i can do so, without an expectation of reward or using that against them at some future juncture when they happen to trip off my inherent need to get even.
as i sit here in front of my computer, what strikes me the most, is that i am not on my way up to Edwards, CO to express my very discordant and divisive opinion on what is occurring in that service body. i have a very strong opinion, that certain addicts are directing that body away from the spiritual experience, for whatever motives that they may have. i have finally dealt with my anger towards the cruel and terrible statements they have made and let my HIGHER POWER provide me the guidance that i need to be okay with what is happening there. i have finally moved into a state of FAITH, that as a body, they will do the next right thing, and if i do not like the result, perhaps it is my perceptions that need to be altered, not those of that service body. the best part of that is, i can be okay being who i am, i can allow my true self to be revealed and i can and will be better off, for not going off half or even fully cocked. this realization has been slow in coming, because i hate being powerless, and when given the opportunity i want to exercise whatever power, no matter how limited, i have. well today, i will do some work, perhaps get the project i started yesterday completed, watch the Broncos play with my friends, and get a bit of service work done. that bit of service is my direction and one that i am finding a whole lot more stratifying than i ever imagined. the irony in that is that it is because the only sponsee i ever fired wanted me to make a change in my status for selfish reasons. he may be gone, but that change in my service direction continues and continues to grow day by day, action by action, i can be more than i was yesterday, all i have to do is allow myself the freedom to grow in the manner that is part of the will of a HIGHER POWER for me, no not happy destiny, and no not trudging that path, just allowing myself to be present for the world around me and what i need to do, to be a part of that world.
time to hit the showers and move into my next task of this day, secure in the knowledge that when i share my joy or share my pain, there are others who are more than grateful to be there for me, and truly understand what it is i am going through.

∞ DT ∞