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selflessness? maybe these days, but it certainly was not that way, back in the days of me being the recovery warrior, ready to take on any battle to save the integrity of the fellowship and to rescue addicts from a fellowships that into which they did not really “fit,” by getting meetings of the “true” fellowship up and running. it is amazing that i can look back these days and see that despite myself, i really did very little to move the needle, but i also left very minimal damage in my wake. inertia of large bodies of people, is very hard to overcome and i am grateful for that factoid. these days, my recovery life is certainly based more in selfless service then ever before, although there is still a twinge of pride in me, when something i started decades ago, is still in effect. yeah, i am still not totally well and i still have a bit of ego.
which brings to what i heard this morning. time and again, i have heard my peers speak of the recovery process as being ego-annihilating. i find that a very ugly description and certainly a function of those they chose to sponsor them. none of my sponsors ever suggested that i need to stop thinking fro myself. none of them told me to stop asking questions. none of my sponsors ever asked me to idolize them or put them above myself and certainly, they never ever suggested that they were a higher power in my life. in serving our fellowship, i have had more than one disagreement with the man i call my sponsor and yet we are still friends and i still believe he is the best sponsor in the world for me, right here and right now.
after removing the “human” element from the argument about recovery and ego, i am left with the program itself, the literature and the process of learning to live the steps. i certainly came to recovery with a very outsized ego, one that i used to provide cover for my social anxieties and fears. by being “grander” than my peers, i could keep them at bay and i would remain safe behind my walls of denial and self-isolation. the steps did not smash my ego, but the process of working the steps, did demolish my walls and layers of denial and allow me to learn how to live as an equal, and actually believe i was equal to my peers. as that process took hold, i took a suggestion from my sponsor and started my journey towards my current identity, leaving behind the one i had constructed as a service martyr. as the trappings of that life, fell off, i became more selfless in my service and less likely to put my service efforts into the public spotlight of the fellowship in general. today, i am far closer to the ideal selfless servant of my fellowship, but still way off from achieving that goal. i know the direction my life is going today and am learning to pay attention to the journey and leave musings about the destination behind. i may not know when i arrive, but does it really matter, as i am certainly becoming, whole, genuine and self-assured, just for today.

∞ DT ∞