Some memes

the rooms with a sentence counting days until i could get back to the business of getting and staying high. my game plan was to kill my number and go back to the life i had been living. that plan was foiled one night in New Jersey when i did not have enough time to get a clean UA and sat in a basement apartment with a using buddy, watching him consume the sack i bought. when i got home, i realized that playing both sides of the recovery street was not going to work for me. i chose a fellowship, got an actual sponsor, instead of one in name only and started to work the steps for real. that night history was made, i did not use, no matter hoe much i wanted to, as the consequences were not acceptable to me. it was not the resetting of my clean date that bothered as much as the possible loss of my physical freedom. for the second time since i first got high, i chose a rational path, a moment of clarity that changed the rest of my life.
as many time as i have related that story, the details never change. i bought the bag, i wanted to use, i did not use and i came to recovery. certainly a inflection point in y life. by the time i killed my number, i was well ensconced in my program of recovery and had no desire to use or return to a life of getting high. do not get me wrong, i loved getting high and it worked right to the end. what all of that brings me to, is that as a OG in this fellowship, i have to accept that those who are coming today, or coming back from a relapse have some sort of desire to stop using drugs. it is true, i have seen many come and go. i have just about as many come in and out and in and out and in and out. i certainly judge their willingness to stay clean, but i never judge their desire. no one kicked me out before i had more than the desire to get off paper, even though i am certain i was judged more than once by my peers in the room. just as they did, i do. i accept that anyone who walks through the doors has the desire to stay clean, regardless if my head they will not make it until noon. i am far from being perfectly accepting of them and still cringe about some of the shit they share about their recovery, but keep those opinions to myself.
anyhow, i have a busy day ahead of me and need to get rolling. it is a good day to be clean and a better day to allow others to be who they are, as i do my best to forget any fear, uncertainty and doubt i have about my FIFTH STEP and march forward, just for today.

∞ DT ∞