Blog entry for:

do the hard, basic work of laying my recovery foundation. just like a house built on sand, such a life will be shaky, at best. it has been quite a productive morning on what looks to be a long day. dang it, on a day when i could have slept in, i could not sleep in, i sometimes hate when my body betrays my desire, i do realize that is just the way things are sometimes, and i can rail, wail, gnash my teeth, or simply accept and move on.
the topic at hand is one that i took to heart way long time ago, and carry with me today. it feels like each set of steps makes that house, a bit more well-built, and that even though the foundation i laid, seems to appear okay, each time i start a step cycle i go back and make any major or minor repairs, after a very detailed and close inspection. it amazes me, that some of the members i share recovery with, who have more clean time than me, say things like -- "some people just give this power, i do not ask for it" or "i think about using every single day."
i mean where is the HOPE for someone like me,. when they are so clueless about what is really happening. i take them at their word and can do no less, but that word fills me with dread, that as i progress along the chain of days i will become oblivious to my behaviors that intimidate others, or that thoughts of using will return to my conscious mind. worst of all, i will become so absorbed in that magic number of days, and all that i have done for the the fellowship, that i will lose track of how to respect others. i can already see that last bit coming true, in how i feel, and react in certain service situations. the reading this morning is an excellent one for me,m as it reminds that being humble means being who i truly am, and if that person is not as spiritual as i would like, then to do some more work.
do i think about using every single day after 12 years clean? NO!
do certain members imbue me with power that i do not ask for? YES! BUT i choose to return it to them, and not use it, at least when i catch myself in that particular moment.
and so with that moment of honesty, i think it is time to hit the road and get some mileage in before i get wrapped up in service. as i move forward into this next step cycle, i will do a thorough examination of my foundation, before doing any upgrades to my house, after all, you never know where the sand will come from.

∞ DT ∞