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to try and fail and try again, sounds more than a bit defeatist. i know there is a Star Wars meme that about trying and doing, which is more than ridiculous, but it is the foil to the seed i took for this exercise this morning. there are many things i need not “try” as i have the ability to do them. there are also many things i lack the ability to do, or at least i do not know if i have the ability to do so, until i “try” them out. there is always more than a slight chance i may fail. when i reevaluate the whys and wherefores of that event, i have to see if it is because of a lack of skill, a lack of opportunity or if it is something i do not have a chance in hell to succeed. i can try to run for POTUS, but i am quite certain that if i announced my candidacy tomorrow, i would not get elected in 2028. now, if i was serious about doing so, i know i would have to spend the next decade working my way up the ladder and 2036, might actually be a goal i could reach. one of the gifts that being in recovery gives me, is a sense of who i am and what i can do. of course there is a shit ton of stuff between staying clean just for today and running for president, that i can do, or try to do in real time. hence i am back to trying and doing, no matter how much FEAR of the outcome i may have.
this morning, as i started my day, i realized that i needed to go a different direction with my current project. i was thinking i could reuse one of the generic components that were built by my peers, when i realized the audience of users for which i was designing this page. i am going down the path of more “wizard-like” to guide them through the process, rather than giving them a form to fill out and shooting them a result at the end. i will see how this idea pans out as my day goes on and if i do not succeed in doing what i think i want to do, well, i certainly have more than enough time to go a different direction.
it is, however, time to get dressed out and greet the dawn with a very brisk walk around the neighborhood. i have been a gym rat the past two days and even though i did the deed, it feels like sort of a cheat to me. well i am cheating no more, at least this morning. i have the ability and the gear to brave the chilly weather and i know i always feel better afterwards, even when i do not have the desire to get out in the cold. just for today, i can use the courage i have been given to walk through the FEAR of changing what i can.

∞ DT ∞