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framework that is my life today includes what i once scoffed at as unnecessary or not applicable to me. as i sat listening to my peers share last night in the very intimate venue i was at, the notion came to me, that perhaps i was guilty of over-complicating and over-intellectualizing what my life in recovery was like these days and how i got here. i know i have the desire to carry a strong and clear message of HOPE in that setting. i also know that i have a strong desire to “educate” and explain what is truly beyond explanation. as i sat this morning, what kept rising to the surface was the notion of whether or not i was being too pedantic in what i choose to share. i know that in the past, i certainly did so and considering whether or not what i share is approachable to those who i want to reach, probably takes it out of the realm of my heart and moves it into the realm of my head.
this morning, on my third day of being alone with the dawg in the house, i am moving very slowly. i am in no hurry to get out and about, or even take care of the bit of snow removal i am obligated to do. i have not been in the office since Monday and i will not be in the office until December. so i feel, and yes it is a feeling, a bit isolated and stir crazy. it certainly is a HUGE benefit that i can get paid and actually do my job from the comfort of my own home, but like all good things, i have a tendency to take it to an extreme. the part of me that i call addiction is screaming to change the way i feel, by indulging in a bit of nicotine, even though i am currently more than likely prepared to pass my test next week. it keeps saying that i have days and days to get clear once again, so what is one little “black and mild” going to hurt? the fact that i have the desire to change the way i am feeling, by indulging in an activity that has consequences i am not comfortable with, is more than a bit disturbing to me and is certainly a symptom of the insanity of being an addict. which is what the topic i chose to share on was at last night's meeting. we read STEP TWO and i was not willing to bore those in attendance to death with a blow-by-blow description of my fifteen year journey to where i started.
moving forward into today, i think i will take care of the snow on my sidewalk, get out of my jammies and finish the project for work i started yesterday. i may yet succumb top the temptation of “just one,” but before i do i will consider if that is self-will, self-medication, insanity or a combination of all of the above. it is a good day to be clean and yes i can do the next right thing, if i allow myself the freedom to do so.

∞ DT ∞