Blog entry for:

for without my foundation, nothing i build can stand for long.
or better put, everything i put in front of my recovery, i risk losing.
so now that the bumper stickers are out of the way, what doers that mean to me. way back when, all i had was meetings and a life of recovery. as reluctant as i was to embark upon this path, i saw from my own recent experience, that if i hung with my old friends i would be using with them before very long. so i shoehorned my life to fit my recovery schedule, and did my stumbling best to build a social life in two different fellowships, and surprise surprise, i barely succeeded in both of them. so all i had was the 3 M's, two of which are meetings and meditation, i will leave the third for your imaginations to work overtime on. so back in the day, building a foundation was easy, as it was all i could do. i guess when you look at it, i had the easier softer way, as i had severe external consequences and a system built that was geared to enforce my compliance, if i did not do this deal. i never did rat anyone else, but i certainly was afraid that someone would out me to probation, if i let on to what was really going on in my head. so in misery and silence i sat here for 13 months and built my foundation.
toady, as heinous as the days that comprised my early recovery were, i am grateful for them. those bad times, and yes that is a value judgement, paved the way for the ease in which my life fits intro recovery today. and my life fits very well into my program of recovery and as i was sharing with one of my peers the other night, there is no “secret sauce” or mystery to why i have s few days in a row clean. it just happens, when i do the same stuff i learned how to do, way back in the dark ages of my recovery.
i know today, that all i have to do, is keep doing that stuff and tomorrow i will get the chance to do it again. i know that the life i have,m as surprising and as incredible as it is, is the result of doing the deed, even when it was foreign and painful to me. i can stop anytime i choose to, but today i choose NOT to walk down the street from where i work, see a doctor for my chronic pain, pay my $90.00 and get some chronic for my head. today i choose NOT to stop a the local retail liquor store for a bottle wine to have with dinner. today i CHOOSE, to do whatever it takes to be a member of the “no matter what club,” even if it means spouting off a few clichés and farting a daisy or two.
yes and today, i CHOOSE to slide on over to my job, and give them as much as i can for the time i am there and leave it behind when i head home tonight. today, i am in a structure that rests in my recovery and i feel confident that no matter what storms rage around me, i have the ability to rely on my recovery to endure. it is after all a good day to face life on its own terms, clean and with my head held high.

∞ DT ∞