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foundation secure and how can i tell? an interesting question and one that poses the dilemma that occurs on a daily basis, for me. that dilemma is: does the decision i am about to make, or the action i am about to take, are in accordance with my desire to maintain the foundation of recovery, upon which i have built my life? the down and dirty answer is , of course it does, after all, anything that enhances my quality of life, must be in accordance of the will of a HIGHER POWER and the RESULT of my adherence to the spiritual principles upon which my recovery journey is based.ah the hoops i jump through to justify the most outrageous, one would have believed i would be better than that by now 😉.
lately, however, i find myself drifting away from meetings and the local fellowship. this shift began sixty days before my clean date anniversary and has yet to stop. i know where i belong and attending a single meeting a week, locally, is probably not the best course of action to maintain my foundation. knowing this, and doing anything to correct this, are two entirely different things. i wave my jazz hands of rationalization telling myself stuff such as: “i want to be above the drama and the fray;” and “i need to find a meeting where i am in the middle of the pack, when it comes to clean time, instead in the top 1%.” and yet, the next words out of my mouth are all about how i am the same as any member and it is my peers in recovery that provide what i need,m regardless of how far away they happen to be from their last use.
on and on, the never-ending saga of what i do to avoid that which i find the slightest bit disturbing, especially in myself. the truth is, that i was bored at meetings. the treatment denizens and their incessant chanting, bugged the living crap out of me. i know that everything i NEEDED to know to build my life upon the rock of my recovery, was spoken out loud and in the literature in my first ninety days clean, everything else is a variation on those themes. after a few more days clean, i certainly have heard most of those variations, so what i think i NEED to hear is how one stays clean, when staying clean is automagic, and not something one needs to consider on a daily basis.
i am certain that i understand and accept that i am and will continue to be an addict. i also know that it is my peers in recovery who provide me with what i need to foster my spiritual growth, even when my head tells me they have little to offer. i need to carry my message of HOPE to my peers, that even after a few days clean, meetings, step work and contact with others in recovery, are necessary for this addict to stay clean and find a new way to live, and the dilemma i spoke of, at the top of this mind dump is still part of my daily life. for the most part, i FEEL my way to the next right thing and when presented with this dilemma, i can allow myself to feel where my feet are and in which direction i happen to be pointing, it si after all, a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞