Blog entry for:

a secure foundation for my recovery. okay, here is a crappy (literally) metaphor for all of you. we have a dog and a very tiny back yard. before the cold and snow flew 10 or so days ago, it was in desperate need of being scooped of all her little bundles of joy. i put it off, believing that it would be very little snow and the cold that came with it, would make my life easier, the next time i decided it was time to clean it. well, after pulling off a grocery bag of crap, i noticed that my shoes had also accumulated some of that wonderful substance. it fact so much so, that i had to take them off before entering the house and wash them off in the sink. now my shoes are soaking wet, but clean, and i may or may not be able to wear them out this evening. the moral of this particular story is for me to take care of the crap i notice, before i cannot walk without getting my shoes covered in it.
today's reading was about taking care of the foundation of my recovery, before embarking on putting my life back together. while i am not a FNG, that still applies today. when i decide or fail to decide to take care of those things i see piling up in my life, the consequences are not always to my liking, and there are even times when i cannot step forward without wading through the pile of crap that i left sitting there.
i have been writing about how freaking different i have been feeling, finally today, after doing all the “foundation” that i was taught to do, i am finally at peace with the idea that prayer as it is commonly practiced in the rooms, will no longer work for me. as i have moved away from the Abrahamic spiritual traditions, i am seeing that GOD and the various cultural relics in my head will be reconciled, when i finally let go of how different and offbeat they may be. the foundation of my recovery based on the notion of a GREATER POWER just needs to be readjusted to fit the new view that has been forming inside of my recovery, probably since the day i got clean and started to accept that i lacked the power to do anything about being an addict. each day i stay clean, i get greater clarity about how the foundation of my recovery is not all that different than when i walked into the rooms. the form is the same, work steps, go to meetings, maintain conscious contact with the POWER that fuels my recovery and talk to one of my peers, on a daily basis. it is just that praying for results is so ingrained in me, that seeking to be in harmony and pay attention, feels foreign, and these days it is. finding balance between the competing values in my life, between desire and selfless service is certainly a task i can undertake, and being okay with what comes is not a bad goal to strive for, just for today.
each and every day i work on my foundation, i get stronger in my recovery and become more capable of doing what i need to do, which right now, feels like a little nap. it is a good day to be clean and yes, seeking enlightenment from a tradition out of a foreign culture.

∞ DT ∞