Blog entry for:

was not a goal of mine, back in the dank and dark days of early recovery. as i sit here this morning several thousands of days later, i still am apt to cringe when i think of being clean until the day i shuffle off this mortal coil. i have certainly built a “life” for myself, based on the foundation of recovery. even when i get hammered by life on life's terms i have not considered a dip in the chemical pool. despite all the indications and rewards i have received from the program of recovery that is my life, i still hold back a teeny-tiny piece of myself, “just in case.” i am not sure what prevents me from committing beyond 99.999%, but i do know that just for today, i am totally committed to staying clean and will make that decision again tomorrow, when it arrives. upon this foundation, i have lots of stuff built and today, i am quite certain that my foundation is sturdy enough to support the life i am living.
that topic, however, was not what was on my mind, as i finished sitting this morning. what i “heard” with my heart this morning, was that it is certainly time to take tobacco out of my life and change towards the slimmer and fitter me, that is becoming my new reality. i face this particular challenge with a similar trepidation that i faced getting clean and i wonder if i am truly capable of getting past the rationalizations and justifications i have build up over the course of my life. that journey starts after tomorrow, so worrying about whether or not i can be okay not enjoying my daily fix, is living in FEAR and i have lived in FEAR often enough in my life, to know that it is not a good place for me to dwell.
i also felt a bit lonely on this holiday of gratitude, as my significant other is on the other side of the world and it is me and the dawg, holding down the fort. having someone in my life, is a state i have gown quite accustomed to and quite fond of as i am now discovering. sure i have places to go and people to see and i have binged watched all the shows that i lacked the opportunity to complete when she was around. it still feels like a very poor substitute for how i have been living. where once upon a time, this would have been the ideal situation for me, i wonder how the f*ck i ever thought that life alone was the “bomb.” the FREEDOM i once thought i had, now seems to be part of that fantasy i built up to protect myself from the reality of an empty, boring existence. as i walk though this day, literally as i am about top go out and burn some calories and figuratively, i can sense that perhaps, just for today, i can drop the cynical part of myself and be grateful for what my life looks and feels like today. sure there is stuff that is not going as well as i desire, but for the most part, there is nothing that requires my immediate attention or meddling with, right here and right now.

∞ DT ∞