Blog entry for:

working familiarity with the principles i practice: honest self-examination, reliance upon the guidance and strength of the POWER that fuels my recovery, and service to others. in my journey through recovery i have met many that share my dedication to this way of life, very few of them disappear into their lives when they get a few minutes clean. i also have met many who i class as “recovery thieves,” they show up once a year, surrounded by sycophants and share about how they owe their prosperity and material success to the fellowship, and perhaps go out with the gang after dinner, and then disappear into the woodwork for another trip around the sun. finally there have been those that are all gung-ho, until the country and western record, starts playing backwards: they get their children back, their spouse stops divorce proceedings, they get a job and the dog even starts to like them again. all of a sudden they are far too busy for this whole recovery gig, they seem to believe that living the life is more important than living their recovery, and some we read about in the newspaper, and the lucky ones come back and get another chance at this way of living. if any of that sounds judgemental, rest assured it is. i make no apologies for my opinions in this space, as i am quite comfortable being in the recovery boat, by my own hand these days.
there is no secret sauce or method to why i am where i am today. i built a foundation, at least twice, because at that time i was desperate for a way out of my legal adventures and it led to me being gifted a life that was way beyond my wildest drug-induced fantasies. i have gone through my various “phases,” on my arrival to where i am today, and finally i feel secure enough in my foundation, to allow myself the freedom to feel my way to my next FIRST STEP. when any of those i was so harsh on come back, even if it is for their annual pilgrimage, i give them a hug and say keep coming back, even though i know what they will not. they have what they want and i am still hungry for more. i believe, rightly or wrongly, that there is still more to get form this program of recovery and i selfishly seek that out, by doing what i have always done.
my foundation rests securely in the fellowship i finally landed within, after eighteen months of straddling the fence between being a hyphenated person and owning what i was, am now, and what i have come to believe, always will be, just a garden variety addict. with the foundation of that belief, i have a choice, do i want to recover today, or do i want to merely exist. i am not saying that those who i judged above are merely existing, as i have not walked one step in their shoes, i am saying that I merely exist when i choose mere abstinence to an active program of recovery. i merely get by when my family, my career, my social standing and my bank account come first and i choose to live as the other eight-five percent does. sure recovery is tough some days and some days it sucks to be me. life in the real world is like that, and the pain i feel in my teeth today, is an indication that i am cleaning up part of the years of damage i did for myself. making a decision that i am worth keeping the rest of the teeth in my head, is certainly part of my amends to me, and yet the morning after, there is regret as the aftermath of treatment takes it toll.
i could go on, but in all honesty i have reached the place where it is time to say i am grateful that bi CHOOSE living a life that includes all those actions that allowed me to become a member and live a program of recovery today. the envy i feel from time to time, of those who seem to get the gifts without continuing the work is just the part of me i call addiction, singing its siren song of there has to be an easier softer way. for me, this just happens to be the easier softer way, and i am worth it.

∞ DT ∞