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those attitudes may affect the way i pray, i may even find myself praying something like, **Relieve me of this character defect so I can look good.** pretty ridiculous sounding, but for me not that far off the mark, after how i look some days is far more important than how i feel. what i heard this morning was not about being concerned about how i look, even though i lifted that part from the reading. it was separating what i want form what i need and having the FAITH that the POWER that keeps me clean is capable of providing for those needs. that process entails me separating the wills in my life to three distinct threads so i could really see what i was asking for in prayer. 3 wills? yes there is self-will, the will of a HIGHER POWER and my own true will. all of those may align at times, and at others the first may be in direct conflict with the last two. when that happens what i pray for become a jumble of all sorts of stuff. quite honestly i do need to pause to qualify that last statement, i am not the sort of person who prays for a whole bunch of things or events, nor do i sit a chant for anything either. as a matter of fact, i am quite uncomfortable asking for much of anything prayer save for the ability to stay clean today no matter what. i am however human, and although i would love to say that there are no exceptions to that rule, the truth is that sometimes, more times than i would like to admit, those desires and wants driven by self-will do creep into my prayers, and i am not nearly so humble as to use the formula that was presented at the end of the reading today. no when self-will becomes part of my prayer i am more like a petulant child demanding candy, and i want it right now DAMMIT!
letting go of self-will and moving into my own true will for myself is the task behind the daily practice of my 11th step. i understand that, and i certainly feel it right after i do my daily activity, however as i move into my day the whole true will self will battle begins, and from there i have to become conscious and present for what is going on inside and outside of me. does my current action go to self will or further my own true will for myself? with the answer to that question i can either move into active recovery and practice the next right thing, or continue to trod down the road of self-will to its inevitable conclusion: a life that becomes infinitely more unmanageable and full of strife and conflict.
so for me it is easier to start down the high road and attempt to be present for the next right thing than to return after a detour through self-will. speaking of which, the time has come to go down to the basement and work off the excess of self-will i consumed yesterday, after all my own true will for myself is to get and remain fit. then it is a bit of work, some billing and off to Cheyenne for service. it is a good day to listen for the voice and move along that path.

∞ DT ∞