Blog entry for:

interests and my sense of what was best for me. not a whole lot to work with, when i walked into the rooms. pile on top of that unwillingness, dishonesty and denial, and there is an example of a perfect storm of an addict who should of only complied with the outside forces in his life and left when the sword of justice was removed form his life., after all, that was my plan and yet here is sit, several thousand days later, writing about topic that were once far beyond my ken.
of course , now that my entire spiritual path and paradigm has shifted, this part about GOD's will may seem a bit problematic or at least it could be. i am quite content with the spiritual direction i have moved in, and for me, there really is no contradiction. my will is trying to force my desires into fruition, regardless of the effort or consequences. GOD's will? doing what i NEED to do make my dreams and desires come true, and allowing the results to just happen . sure i get pissy and frustrated when things do not go my way, i would be a delusional idiot to deny that. i also feel happy, joyful and at peace when things go my way, that too is the reality for this addict. what i uncovered as i have gone through the steps, is that basing my actions and planning my feelings based on those outcomes, is a dangerous place to live. it was what active addiction was all about for me, changing my perception of the world, denying my disappointment in myself and my life and learning to be okay as a failure. to say the least i had given up on being anything more and was quite certain i would die in a fizzle of flame, after burning out for ever and ever.
today, i have both HOPE and FAITH, that i can be more than just a using addict. i can be a lovers, a friend, a partner, a team member, an acquaintance, a sponsor and a sponsee. i can have dreams and work towards fulfilling them. i can be a success and not by twisting and spinning the events in my life, to fit any sort of mold.
is that self-will or GOD's will? i do not know, and more importantly i do not care. what i care about today is looking ahead, doing the next right thing and being okay with where i am right here and right now, which is about to hop in my car and going to watch the home team play with some friends.

∞ DT ∞