Blog entry for:

and fatally cool, was the perfect description of how i saw myself, in active addiction, in mere abstinence and in my early recovery. what i failed to grasp, way back when, was that was not really a desirable state in which to live. more than once, it nearly led to my demise and yet i was oblivious to any sort of change, in this regard. more than anything, i was certainly never allow anyone to get to know who i was, as i was still living in the prison of the lie that i was too broken to be seen in public. today, after freeing myself from that onerous existence, through application of the steps, i can be cool and hip, or not. today, i am okay being myself, whomever that may be.
i wrote yesterday about possibly starting my step work, and i was ready to do so, but my Mom's estate stuff got in the way. or at least that is what i can tell myself, i chose to read my book club book, rather than recovery literature, after i cleaned up my estate tasks. the gnawing sense of unease has not gone away or diminished, but it is not quite overwhelming me, yet. the trope about levels of pain, is still a working part of my recovery effort and perhaps i can get started before they reach critical mass. there will certainly be a bit of an opportunity this afternoon to dive into that pile of whatever. 💩
right here and right now? well i am a bit upset i was unable to book transportation for our journey to Panama after Christmas. i did not sleep at that well, regardless of what my fitness tracker says, so i am a bit out of sorts, because of that. my deadlines for completing my project has been moved out to next year, well actually fifteen days, so i can take my time and code to a higher standard. i have arranged for my first annual disbursement of my inherited IRA and can complete the estate stuff today, maybe. other than being a bit grumpy form less than stellar sleep, i am in a pretty good spot, emotionally, physically and spiritually. on that high note it is time to dress out and see where my daily trek through the neighborhood takes me. it is, as it has been for a minute or so, a great day to be clean.

∞ DT ∞