Blog entry for:

**pray only for knowledge of the will of GOD for me and the power to carry that out.** the selfish, ego-driven attitudes i developed in my addiction are not cast off overnight.
well, i spoke about the whole **Santa GOD** concept within the past few days, and probably more than once before that. i really liked that concept and it seemed to work for a bit of time. i actually got what i asked for, perhaps not what i expected, but like the good addict i am, i learned how to tweak those requests so what i got was more inline with what i wanted. then the unthinkable happened, i was not given what i asked for at all! dang was i pissed off and i was angry at GOD for quites some time after that. BUT it was time to move into the the eleventh step, and as i moved forward with my step work, i discovered that in order for me to continue this process, something had to change. asking GOD to change was not a very practical or spiritual option, and i am very resistant to change in my life, so it appeared to me, that i was stuck between a rock and a hard place. well pondering and wailing and whining and moaning about my dilemma did present a solution, what i could change without much difficulty was what my concept of GOD and the divine was. it was the easier softer way, if i let go of **Santa GOD**, and allowed the concept of a HIGHER POWER to evolve into something different, something that i did not force to comply to my learned expectations, i could move forward, let go of my anger and actually build a new and stronger connection to the divine.
not exactly an easy task, but once i embarked on that path, i found that living became easier, and i could actually allow my prayers to reflect the nature of this new relationship. less pleading and a whole lot more requesting.
so as i have practiced this over the course of time, i have come to view myself as the junior partner in the relationship with a HIGHER POWER. i suggest and yes sometimes ask, but i allow the whatever to happen and am learning to become content with the results. for a person who desires control in every aspect of his life, this is quite a LEAP OF FAITH, and i am grateful that i allow it to happen to the best of my ability these days.
so i guess that wraps up this particular subject and off to the races once again.

∞ DT ∞