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builds bonds, no matter how scared i am to share what is really going on! not all that long ago, i shared about how i was taught and came to believe that being a real man meant that what went on inside of me, stayed inside of me and that showing any sort of “negative” other than anger or rage, made me weak and feeble. i was certainly a tough sell, when it came to learning how to share the real me. my belief structure was only part of the issue. what really kept me from opening up was the FEAR of getting decimated by my stuff getting around and being used against me. living in a world where i feared getting hurt more than anything else, was a very painful existence and one that i would not recommend to anyone else. it is not if, all of a sudden, since i learned to vulnerable that the world is now my oyster, but i am certainly better connected to the world than i ever was before.
this morning, as i sit here trying to figure out what i need to do and what i want to do and how to make all of that fit into this day, i distract myself with wondering how my institutionalized friend is doing on the “outs.” this time, i have no responsibility for any of his shit and i certainly hope he gets that staying clean has to be his one and only priority. he has been the man of a thousand and and one excuses, a bucket full of victimhood and hypochondria that does what ever he can to not do the next right thing and then wonders why nothing goes his way. i may not have been quite so extreme as he is these days, but i certainly understand living in a world as he does, wondering if i was born under a bad sign.
this morning as i tried out my new knee brace and was less than pleased about how “different” things felt, i understood why things needed to be changed. if i want to progress to being capable of climbing, i have to continue to push myself, beyond what i think is my limit, it is not as if i have been coasting on my recovery from overuse and bad form, but i am starting to get concerned as to whether i am doing enough. the old adage, no pain, no gain might need to be my credo for the next six weeks, as i get prepared to climb to the highest point in Africa. i am anxious about my little hike on Wednesday afternoon, but in my gut, i feel it is time to make the attempt, feel the burn and see what happens, as i have PT the day following and a massage a week later. anyhow, i have work to do, food to put away, dawg shit to pick up and as the poem goes, miles to go before i sleep, at least metaphorically. it is a good day to step out and be vulnerable and see who i get to connect with, as a result of doing so, just for today.

∞ DT ∞