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and that of the POWER that fuels my recovery. sometimes this is the easiest thing in the world, my will? 50 million dollar ticket in POWERBALL, the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery? not so much! other times that demarcation is not nearly so clear. like the men i sponsor, i fret and worry about whose will i am living in, from moment to moment. the reading this morning talks about prayer and how i can ask for what i need, or better put what i think i need and still live in the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery. there are what seems like a million bromides and clichés floating around the rooms, about this very concept and yet today, none of them seem to fit. i want the new opportunity i was interviewed for last week, and i wanted last Wednesday. i want to have all my debt erased and be able to move forward with my life. i want to have three weeks of vacation every year, to run a 10K in less than fifty minutes, to be respected and well thought of, by my peers, acquaintances and fellow members. most of all, i want to be anything but an addict.
there i said it.
that notion has been noodling around in my skull for quite some time now. it probably never left from the first time i said it to the judge all those years ago, to get an easier and softer way through the justice system. i also know and accept that i WILL NEVER stop being an addict and when i get to the heart of STEP ONE, that really is not that disturbing of a realization. it doesn't make it suck less, but it does give me a path to a solution, which for me is the 12 STEPS as worked by the fellowship that i call my home. which unlike the scores of others does not focus on a substance or behavior, it focuses on the core of my problem, addiction.
so i do not want to be, but i am. the conundrum presented in those few words are what life i s like in my world today. which brings me back to the question of which will am i living in today and how do i ask for those things i want, but think i need? the reading suggests a format, one which has all the appearances of being humble, and perhaps it would be for someone else. for me, it would be manipulative and insincere. even though i doubt that the POWER that fuels my recovery, can be manipulated, i can certainly trick myself into thinking all sorts of nonsense, especially when it comes to humbly asking for anything.
my solution? just do not ask!
simply elegant and it does not cost me anything, nor do i have to live in a world of unmet expectations because i was not granted what i prayed for. i just ask for knowledge and the power to carry it out, wake up and pay attention and you know what, all of my needs are met and many of my desires are fulfilled. as you know by now, i did not share in the POWERBALL jackpot of half a billion dollars, but that is certainly as things should be today, which seems to be the theme of my life today. the next right thing? clean-up and show up for the job i am getting paid for and see what i how i can be the best person i can be today.

∞ DT ∞