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of what i may think is good for me, surrendering to the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery, is an activity that brings me the optimum results in the long run. i have to admit as i was writing another blog, well this one and i clicked on a link on this page and BOOM everything was gone. i had already acknowledged that surrendering and accepting the will of a HIGHER POWER was a good thing, but was delving into the intellectual conceit of why such a POWER would desire to impose ITs will upon me. the simple fact is, i do not know and although i could dive into the mystery and the depths of my misunderstanding of how i see this recovery gig, i think i will walk away, proclaiming my ignorance in this matter. it simply is what it is.
i can say that i have wanted to alter my consumption of tobacco for quite some time, as i was beginning to think it was holding me back in my quest for a better me. last year the affidavit i had to sign to stay off the extra $100 per month surcharge did not work so i got a pass on that. i mistook that for the will of my HIGHER POWER that i could smoke with impunity and not have to bare the financial cost of complying with my company's policy on the use of tobacco. this year, they have “wised up” as it were and will be testing each and every employee who attests to being nicotine-free for the levels of nicotine in their system. my reaction to that little invasion on my personal life was anger and rebellion. i was determined to continue to smoke cigars and figure out the means to “cheat” on their little invasion of privacy. for the past eight days, i have not used nicotine in any manner and discovered that like drugs, i was very dependent on nicotine and suffered physical and emotional withdrawal symptoms. what that may mean for my notions of returning to the world of cigars on a very limited basis, has yet to be determined, but today was the first day i woke up and did not have the desire to put some form of nicotine into my system. there were no deals with GOD, no fox-hole prayers and no impatience and anxiety about when the “test” will be and whether or not i will be able to pass it. what i felt today, was that finally i am on a sustainable path and regardless of when that test will be, the results will be what they are. in fact more days would be better than fewer and although today would have been a cigar afternoon, i am going to defer for the second week in a row.
this morning, as i wrap this up, i am willing to do whatever it takes to surrender my will and my life into the care of that POWER and accept that if i stop trying to find the easier and softer way, i will get exactly what it takes to make me healthier, spiritually wealthier and just a bit more wiser, just for today.

∞ DT ∞