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best for me? that is certainly something i have trouble figuring out. as i sat and listened for what i **heard** this morning, i got stuck in a cycle of remembering strange and seemingly unrelated events from my past, specifically my cigar trip to Honduras. i may never figure out what those memories have to do, with listening for the will of the POWER that fuels my recovery and in reality looking for that link is not something i am going to work over, as this day goes on. what i did “hear” is that the prayers that were suggested in the reading this morning, certainly do not fit who i am.
for years on end, that realization drove me to distraction and created cognitive dissonance. i knew what i “had” to do, but “doing it” was something i did with great reluctance. these days, i find that as resistant as i am to suggestions that smack of religion, i can incorporate the idea of seeking GOD's will for me, without the prayer part. for this addict, that sort of guidance comes from a moment of quieting what is going on in my head, allowing myself to slow down and “feel” my way to the next right thing. as spiritual as that may sound, i am far from perfect at taking those steps towards allowing the POWER that fuels my recovery to guide me. i am hot-headed, opinionated and certainly reactive, especially when i feel “entitled” to something. i see that sort of behavior all around me, especially in some of the opinions expressed in the local newspaper and social media. my reaction is the desire to reach out and slap somebody severely about the head and shoulders, which is certainly NOT an inalienable right endowed to me, by any sort of HIGHER POWER.
as i begin to unpack the lies and beliefs that have led me to believe that i am “owed” or ”entitled” to anything, i see that i was fortunate to have the opportunity and the resources to make that trip to Central America, way back when. it may not have been the most sane decision i ever made and i certainly had ample opportunity to slide back into active addiction as part of the activities we were engaged in, i came back whole and with a better understanding of who i was and a glimpse of who i could be, for better or for worse. this morning, i see the roots of my desire to be more fit and healthier, coming from that experience, as there was nothing healthy about that trip, spiritually or physically, but i do have to say, i had a very good time and saw myself as part of a whole, where i did not really belong. some of the time, doing the next wrong thing, provides me the lesson i need to pause and listen, rather than act. as much as a rationalization as that is, it is certainly still part of who i am and the beauty in that statement is, maybe, just maybe, i can avoid having to go down that path in the future.

∞ DT ∞