Blog entry for:

receive what is best for me, regardless of what i think!
well, i am really beginning to sense a theme here. even though this set of readings comes the same time in my cycle, they really seem to be hitting me hard right now.. all this talk about the wills, self-will, true will and a HIGHER POWER's will, is really getting a bit much for me to handle. this is one of those places where i want to scream, “enough already I GET IT!”
i know that this is because of where i am in my step cycle as well as where i am in my personal journey of growth. be that as it may. sometimes i just need to let go and let the process work. which is exactly what this current assignment is all about, letting go so i can be ready to receive the care i NEED!
anyhow, enough of over-thinking this topic, what is really going on this morning with me? well i slept in, clear to seven o'clock. i am taking care of the dawg bed,. i want to run, i have some work to do and a book to read. plus i have to hook-up with the dude that is going to fill my group's literature fix. so here i sit, writing about doing nothing, BUT learning to let go. yes i know the reading was specifically focused on STEP 11, praying ONLY for knowledge… when i really think about it, i do a fairly adequate job, sticking to that stricture. there are times,more that i really like to admit, where i find myself asking for a way out of some sort of sticky situation, with the EXACT OUTCOME that i think is best for me. yes i know, sad but true i am only human
WINK, WINK, NUDGE, NUDGE.
being only human, leads to all sorts of ironies and uncomfortable realizations. such as doing my best to pray only for, and then in the next breath saying GOD get me out of… i could go on and on listing the daily ironies of this addict's life, or just simply say, they would fill more than a few volumes., if i ever took the time to sit down and write them out. what it all boils down to today, is that i see the STEPS as an ideal life that i can strive for. i also understand that as a human being, i CAN ACHIEVE that ideal. the use of can here is deliberate, it is not in my own power to actually achieve what the steps describe. it is in my power to do my best to live up to those ideals, take an inventory of those ideals i did and did not live up to today, and give myself a break. it is within my power to surrender my will into the CARE of the POWER that fuels my recovery, or at least make the decision to do so. it is in my power to let go of my character defects and the shortcomings that arise from them. and it is in my power to ask for and receive the help i NEED today, to live another day on this recovery journey. with that in mind i do believe i will move on to the next task this morning and see how far i can go today. it is a good day to be in active recovery.

∞ DT ∞