Blog entry for:

to accept that, yes, without any doubt, i am an addict. that admission and my decision to cease fighting, has led to a life of FREEDOM from active addiction. i know that some of my peers express that idea in a different manner, such as being grateful for not being owned by dope. for me, however, being owned by dope was only the most obvious clue that i was an addict. no matter how cutesy or trite i had the desire to make it, the fact of the matter was i truly was never owned by dope. from the very beginning i was owned by addiction. until i got to the place where i could accept that as fact, my spiritual growth was retarded. once i owned that as fact, the world of recovery opened up for me.
this morning as i chose between which reading would be the source for my ELEVENTH STEP, i considered how many times in the past, that this topic was one that i expounded upon. the conclusion that i arrived at was that for me, remembering that surrendering to the fact that i was an addict was paramount. the implications from that realization is that any of my peers who come to me and sincerely want my direction in the form of sponsorship is a gift that i need to cherish. i may have philosophical or political differences with them, but i cannot let my opinions and judgements get in the way of carrying the message i have developed across the days i have clean.
today as i fretted about how to fit a cigar into what i need to get accomplished, i saw that it really does not matter. what that little bit of mental chaos showed me, was that i am far to beholden to routine and not as flexible as i like to make out. sitting here, considering how to wrap this up, i get the idea that what i think i need and what i actually need are often miles apart. i know i need recovery today. i think i need time to enjoy a cigar. i know i need milk for tomorrow and to top off my gas tank. the list goes on and on and when i get desire -- what i think i need -- confused with what i actually need, i get all sorts of confused and anxious. just for today, i will be okay knowing that if i pay attention to my feelings and listen to my heart, what i want and what i need will sort themselves out and i will be okay when i lay my head on my pillow this evening.

∞ DT ∞