Some memes

awake, and honest about who i am is a gift to me and from me. the part of me that carries all my cynicism, balked at this as my seed this morning, as it felt way to touchy-feely and Kum-By-Yah. the part of me that sees the light at the end of the tunnel and is pretty sure it is not an oncoming train, felt that this seed summed up best what i am feeling this morning. i do not see those two parts of me in conflict when i consider that some of the time, well most of the time, what i feel is more important than what i think. this little bit of internal struggle was exactly that intellect versus feeling. intellectually giving gift to me from me, seems a bit outside of my norm. spiritually, however, it is no different than being of Tao and in Tao, which is why this little bit “felt” like the correct seed for this day.
my life these days is pretty easy, in fact the only chaos i have in my life is my shifts at my little part time job. i lack the seniority to be more demanding and as a result, will miss my home group next Saturday morning. i can live with that as an aberration, but not a rule. it does not rise to the level of quitting or bitching any more than i have. the level it does rise to, is to let my manager know what i am good with, in writing, rather than him having to rely on his memory. i have been getting exactly the hours i desired over the past few weeks, so whining about what is not, is not what i really want to be all about. i can find a minute to be grateful that i actually enjoy doing the job and the people with whom i work, even the less that stellar new employee. i am working with them tonight, so i will see how things go.
this morning, as i slowly make my way into entering the real world, i am struck by the notion that i have found the ways and means to be creative and respect who i am and who i happen to be becoming. i have yet to pick up on my written work and i am beginning to see that a few days, maybe even a few weeks off, may be the distance i need, before i start hammering it again. i know where i want to take it and having it published is not the destination this creative journey is aiming for, at all. what i am aiming for is a complete work that expresses the story i wish to tell, in my voice and deals with the theme of machine vs human. that is not part of my life and i have a life outside of my home that i am coming to find is more than adequate. i look at some of the retired guys around me, and the ones i want to emulate are those that are active, reasonably fit and do more than sit around and what old movies all day long, as they chow down on delivered fast food. i look at them and wonder why they even bother getting up out of bed ion the morning, as in my mind's eye, i see them as miserable old sots. i refuse to go quietly into that sort of existence and am grateful i have them in my life as examples of what i do not wish to be. just for today, i am fully alive, awake and honest about who i am, who i want to be and who i may be becoming.

∞ DT ∞