๐ humility helps ๐
Posted: Mon, Mar 23, 2026 11:53:07 AM
me see myself simply as a member in a community of equals. throughout my life, i never saw myself as equal to anyone. i was either felt way above those i was with or inferior enough to act arrogantly superior, there was no in between. for reasons that i finally uncovered, my self image could never, ever be a peer or anything equal to those around me. when one, like me, believes he is too broken to be seen by anyone and has decided to hide behind a series of masks and persona, equality is hardly achievable in any social situation. burying who and what i was, was a full time job that i grudgingly accepted.
this morning, as i see my place in the world and the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living, there is a sense of gratitude that i have found my tribe and that tribe has taught me that it is okay to be myself. they have also given a sense of self, that i lacked when i first got clean. that sense has grown over the years and when i did my last FIFTH STEP, it could no longer be contained in the lie i took for truth. i was not now or ever too broken to be seen. i was just living in the shame of an event and the reminders afterwords that those who love me, could also wound me deeply. that lie, kept me from getting close or showing who i was, as i never ever wanted to feel that shame again. fear of a similar event happening reinforced my decision to live under that cloud and although i may not have realized it, using certainly too the edge off of all of that.
anyhow it is time for me to amble on and get some errands done before i go to work. i have been sitting in a bit of a funk the past few days. not enough to really be evident, just enough to make me a bit uncomfortable. today, i know i am going to have lots of shame and resentment to write about, as it is coming out of me like some sort of vile poison, oozing from my pores. as the next few days progress i am certain that i will be ready by Saturday to write down the whole tome of resentment i did not know i still felt and that will be a good thing, just for today.
this morning, as i see my place in the world and the fellowship that has given me this new manner of living, there is a sense of gratitude that i have found my tribe and that tribe has taught me that it is okay to be myself. they have also given a sense of self, that i lacked when i first got clean. that sense has grown over the years and when i did my last FIFTH STEP, it could no longer be contained in the lie i took for truth. i was not now or ever too broken to be seen. i was just living in the shame of an event and the reminders afterwords that those who love me, could also wound me deeply. that lie, kept me from getting close or showing who i was, as i never ever wanted to feel that shame again. fear of a similar event happening reinforced my decision to live under that cloud and although i may not have realized it, using certainly too the edge off of all of that.
anyhow it is time for me to amble on and get some errands done before i go to work. i have been sitting in a bit of a funk the past few days. not enough to really be evident, just enough to make me a bit uncomfortable. today, i know i am going to have lots of shame and resentment to write about, as it is coming out of me like some sort of vile poison, oozing from my pores. as the next few days progress i am certain that i will be ready by Saturday to write down the whole tome of resentment i did not know i still felt and that will be a good thing, just for today.
∞ DT ∞