โ as i grow in my recovery i realize that i still have much to learn โ
Posted: Thu, Apr 1, 2010 09:24:45 AM
about how to have healthy intimate relationships. as i the program to all my affairs, i find the same kind of freedom in my relationships that i continue to find throughout my recovery.
i am a bit slow to get going this morning, i do not know nor do i care why, just stating a fact. another fact is that i am quite amazed that someone that is purportedly my friend in an online social network, could send me and everyone else in their network, a message begging for a computer. so i did what every good addict does, i defriended and blocked them. perhaps that nuclear reaction was a bit severe, as that person is quite clueless as to who i am, and what i expect from my friends, online and otherwise, because i have never told them. my first reaction was to flame them with a response that told them exactly what i thought of such a self-serving and brazen request. instead, i chose the scorched earth policy, and salted the fields behind me, very typical active addiction behavior for me, and when the time comes to consider my day this evening, it will have to be one of the actions i scrutinize.
what got my dander up was the whole presumptuous nature of the request. which brings finally back to the topic at hand, learning how to have healthy and equal intimate relationships. one of my little tricks, is never the publish the rules of such relationships, until the other party has crossed way over into a space i refuse to share. i understand the motivation for this behavior, it helped protect me in active addiction, by allowing me to launch preemptive strikes on the offending party, driving them away and securing my little spot in my own self-centered version of reality.
as i look at my behavior, and as i see the parallels with my behavior in active addiction, it shows me that i still have much to learn, and it open my eyes to the possibility that today is another great day to continue that learning process. in my head, i need to separate out all of these complex relationship threads to figure out what is and is not an appropriate response to someone else. i have friends, i have loved ones, i have family members, i have sponsees, i have peers in recovery and my professional life, i have acquaintances and i have just random strangers that i encounter in the process of living. the most confusing thing is that there are many people who fit into one or more of those relationships, and my problem is how to sort all of that out. that is not however, something i need to do today, or perhaps ever, as i grow up in recovery, i will learn to respect all of these people and more. that much i have FAITH in, that is of course, if i continue to choose to live a program of active recovery. that is the HOPE. as i become more comfortable and secure in who and what i am, my ability to react in a healthy manner will increase. as i continue to grow, the nuclear option will become less and less of an option i feel the need to exercise. and as i continue to grow, i will be better able to voice my expectations and allow others to voice theirs. so it is the first of the month and i am moving in slow motion this morning, so i will sign-off for now and see if i can get the stuff i need to get done before i knock-off for the day. i am grateful that i ahve the ability to be more than i was yesterday, and if i choose the path of recovery, i can be even more than i am right now, tomorrow.
i am a bit slow to get going this morning, i do not know nor do i care why, just stating a fact. another fact is that i am quite amazed that someone that is purportedly my friend in an online social network, could send me and everyone else in their network, a message begging for a computer. so i did what every good addict does, i defriended and blocked them. perhaps that nuclear reaction was a bit severe, as that person is quite clueless as to who i am, and what i expect from my friends, online and otherwise, because i have never told them. my first reaction was to flame them with a response that told them exactly what i thought of such a self-serving and brazen request. instead, i chose the scorched earth policy, and salted the fields behind me, very typical active addiction behavior for me, and when the time comes to consider my day this evening, it will have to be one of the actions i scrutinize.
what got my dander up was the whole presumptuous nature of the request. which brings finally back to the topic at hand, learning how to have healthy and equal intimate relationships. one of my little tricks, is never the publish the rules of such relationships, until the other party has crossed way over into a space i refuse to share. i understand the motivation for this behavior, it helped protect me in active addiction, by allowing me to launch preemptive strikes on the offending party, driving them away and securing my little spot in my own self-centered version of reality.
as i look at my behavior, and as i see the parallels with my behavior in active addiction, it shows me that i still have much to learn, and it open my eyes to the possibility that today is another great day to continue that learning process. in my head, i need to separate out all of these complex relationship threads to figure out what is and is not an appropriate response to someone else. i have friends, i have loved ones, i have family members, i have sponsees, i have peers in recovery and my professional life, i have acquaintances and i have just random strangers that i encounter in the process of living. the most confusing thing is that there are many people who fit into one or more of those relationships, and my problem is how to sort all of that out. that is not however, something i need to do today, or perhaps ever, as i grow up in recovery, i will learn to respect all of these people and more. that much i have FAITH in, that is of course, if i continue to choose to live a program of active recovery. that is the HOPE. as i become more comfortable and secure in who and what i am, my ability to react in a healthy manner will increase. as i continue to grow, the nuclear option will become less and less of an option i feel the need to exercise. and as i continue to grow, i will be better able to voice my expectations and allow others to voice theirs. so it is the first of the month and i am moving in slow motion this morning, so i will sign-off for now and see if i can get the stuff i need to get done before i knock-off for the day. i am grateful that i ahve the ability to be more than i was yesterday, and if i choose the path of recovery, i can be even more than i am right now, tomorrow.
∞ DT ∞