Blog entry for:

to deny my unrealistic expectations? this entry could certainly be about a whole lot of people, pointing out their flaws and foibles, ignoring mine and blithely going about a general sort of character demolition. could is the operative work, i think i will approach them in a different direction, and perhaps in the long run it will be about them after all.
at the beginning of this step cycle, i believed i was too broken to “love” anyone else, without dropping someone out of my “loving cup.” that notion was enforced from my history and i am speaking of way ancient history, way before i started using. i learned very young, the more i held back from relationships, the safer i was, after all, if they did not know “who” i really was, they could not hurt me.
using only reinforced that whole practice, especially as i moved into socially unacceptable substances and delivery methods. the more underground i lived the safer i felt and when the time came to satisfy my natural urges, i could pick out the neediest members of the other sex for my latest semen receptacle. the saddest part of it all, was my self-esteem was quite dependent on THEM ➻ the more they needed me, the more i NEEDED them, and when their demands for my affection and emotions grew to a place i was unwilling to fulfill, i left them in the dust, which also set me up to bump my self-esteem, after all, there was a time in my life when no one had ever left me. life on these two legs was quite pathetic and the only thing that kept me from seeing that, was that my next victim always came down the pike exactly when i needed them to arrive in my life.
three step cycles made me see what i was and how this part of my life was so out of whack and left me feeling more than a little hopeless. i was quite certain that i would have just a limited number of relationships and was coming to accept that as fact. this set of steps has shown me that , regardless of what i believed there was certainly room for growth. justifying my fear of intimacy by building a belief structure based on a lie was not protecting me from the pain of relationships, it was only keeping me in a negative feedback loop that i had to learn to break once for all.
as i prepare to move forward, into a new step cycle, my FEAR of being hurt by others is still present, BUT the rewards of allowing myself to be vulnerable and intimate, is worth the risk. i am not a lone wolf, and i have uncovered what i really wanted was risk free relationships. of course i will never get that, but i know how “unbroken” i really was and how i was my greatest enemy in this realm of my life.
today, as i see my friends and peers struggle with similar issues, i can offer my ESH, that they are on the correct path. only through the steps was i given the FREEDOM to love and be loved, to care and to be cared for and to step beyond my needs and expectations of others. it is a good day to step out of the box that trapped me for so long.

∞ DT ∞